After trying in vain to enlist a traditional military man to assume the bizarre post of “War Czar,” President Bush announced today that he had “pitched” the job to Roger Clemens, who has accepted.

Bush had to outbid the New York Yankees for Clemens, who will now be the highest paid employee in the United States Government, at $32 million per year.

The president wasted no time in anointing Clemens with a patented Bush nickname to reflect his new role, in this case “Clemenza.”

Indeed, Bush is counting on the intimidating presence of Clemens, known as “The Rocket,” to singlehandedly defeat the war on terror. As the president, himself a former owner of baseball’s Texas Rangers, put it: “anyone willing to throw splintered bats, and 96 MPH fastballs at people’s heads, is just the kind of sonuvabitch we haven’t had around here since the departures of Rummy and Wolfowitz.”

Clemens also has certain perks in his contract, including only having to show up to work every fifth day, and not making any of the long road trips to Iraq or Afghanistan.

Even with such limitations, the consensus is that Clemens’ effort and performance will far exceed that of all other Bush appointees put together.

Bush has also promised to give Clemens the use of the private jet now utilized by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Clemens, for his part, was quite honest in admitting that his decision was strictly “about the money” — “after all, unlike with the Yankees, it’s obvious that here I have absolutely no chance of winning.”