This aspen has turned

Thank you, Nance:

It started when I heard President Bush’s Saturday radio address, and finally realized what an articulate statesman he is. Suddenly putting food on my family started to make sense, along with the War on Terror, the need for wire-tapping US citizens, and the necessity of doing away with quaint concepts like freedom in the pursuit of spreading democracy.

My transformation into a BushBot escalated quickly –- a kind of surge, if you will. Once I started speaking in talking points, I knew there was no turning back. I realized that facts were the enemy, and I had to fight ‘em over there as well as over here. So I bought a gas-guzzler, slapped a W sticker on the bumper, burned my copy of An Inconvenient Truth, and set out to claim my rightful place in the world as an ill-informed idiot. It was time to adapt to win.

The memory loss set in quickly; I no longer remember that Bush once claimed Iraq had WMDs or tried to purchase yellowcake from Niger. It dawned on me that Abu Ghraib was just a fraternity hazing incident, and that the insurgency is indeed in its last throes. I could now understand why Halliburton had every right to pack up and leave the US, no doubt disgusted by being ignored once again by those intellectual snobs who nominate Nobel Peace Prize contenders.

As for the predictions of the PNAC boys –- like being greeted as liberators with sweets and flowers, or a square in downtown Baghdad being named in honor of one G.W. Bush –- I realize now that they were merely misquoted by the Liberal media, which has been unrelenting in its biased reportage of successes we achieve in Iraq and Afghanistan on a daily basis.

I started wishing that everyone would get off Gonzo’s back. I also started wishing that Karl Rove was single, and I was his type. I started having an irresistible urge to buy all of Ann Coulter’s and Dinesh D’Souza’s books – but my ability to read is already faltering, along with my comprehension skills. And the constant whining of wounded vets complaining about Walter Reed, the red tape nightmare of accessing rehabilitation care and disability funds –- blahdey, blah, blah –- went from plucking on my heartstrings to clawing at my last nerve.

Not completely convinced that I had truly turned, I set out to see my doctor. Along the way, I passed a homeless man –- and my usual instinct to reach into my pocket for some money was simply gone! Instead, I yelled, “Get a job, moran!” I kicked him, and his mangy little mutt, and actually felt good about it –- kinda like I was doing the Lord’s work.

As I waited in the reception area, I got into a political discussion with several other patients. I would not allow any of them to get a word in edgewise, and spouted baseless facts in as loud and shrill a voice as possible, until it was my turn to see the doctor –- well, not really my turn, as I selfishly insisted on pushing ahead of others, even though they had actual medical emergencies to be tended to. As a burgeoning RepubliCon, I knew that my needs transcended all others.

After a quick examination, my doctor confirmed what I had already suspected: my IQ had dropped seventy-five points, I was deaf to any statement that did not accord with mein fuhrer’s –- I mean my esteemed leader’s –- ideology, and was utterly blind to the truth. In short, I had become a GOPer!

Because I live in Canada, there was no bill for my check-up –- but I insisted that as an American citizen, I had a right to be charged an exorbitant fee for medical care, and left a $15,000 check with the startled receptionist after lecturing her on the fact that health care should only be available to those who can afford it. (Of course, I can’t afford it either –- but now that I am a Republican, once I get in on the crony network, I should be able to land a cushy, well-paying job with the US government. With my non-qualifications, I’ll be a shoe-in.)

Homeward bound with a new sense of patriotism, i.e. anyone who disagrees with this administration is a traitor, I saw the world in a different light. Finally the veil of truth no longer obscured my vision, and I noticed things I hadn’t been cognizant of before –- like the fact that my Muslim neighbors, heretofore kind and friendly people, are actually terrorists planning the downfall of my country; like the fact that the lesbian couple next door pose a threat to my marriage; like the fact that facts are open to interpretation.

Once I could see, but now –- praise the Lord! –- I am blind. It was a moment I once would never forget. But being as I’m one of them now, I will not recall it in the morning, any more than I would recall outing a CIA agent, or firing an attorney who doesn’t see eye-to-eye with my Beloved President. The only thing I do remember now is that everything that is wrong with my country is Bill Clinton’s fault –- ah, life as it should be.