Cheney having heart surgery tomorrow, Bush will briefly be 'President'

Wonkette:

Last Saturday doctors performed surgery on George Bush’s asshole, and this Saturday they’ll do it again! But this time, it’s the other asshole, Dick Cheney. They are going to take apart his robotic pig heart and replace the core reactor.

That’s the Friday News Fun from the White House this afternoon. The procedure is just the latest of so very many operations for Cheney, who has already racked up “four heart attacks, quadruple bypass surgery, two artery-clearing angioplasties and an operation to implant the defibrillator.”

During Bush’s time as “president” tomorrow morning, he is expected to play with his dogs and maybe work on his fort in the back yard.

Overheard this week

“This senator (John Cornyn) decided early on to represent one Texan -- the President of the United States. He has carried George Bush’s brief case. He has not represented the 22 million people that live in the state of Texas."

-- State rep. and LTC Rick Noriega

“I would love to earn Mikal’s support. With his support we have a much better chance of defeating Cornyn.”

-- Noriega, gently suggesting that his potential primary opponent find another statewide office upon which to spend his considerable fortune


"Well, you know, what’s interesting is that there have been all these hearings on the attorney general and yet nobody’s really laid a glove on him. … At this point, we have hundreds of hearings that have produced bupkis."

-- Tony Snow, talking about Alberto Gonzales


“Coming soon to a classroom near you, Al Qaeda!”

-- Alan Colmes, on FOX News

Bill O'Reilly: "(Daily Kos is) like the Ku Klux Klan. It's like the Nazi party."

Stephen Colbert: "Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum. "

-- The Colbert Report

(Bob Costas is a) "little midget man who knows (nothing) about baseball."

-- Barry Bonds, in response to this week's edition of HBO's Costas Now, which discussed Bonds' alleged steroid use

"As anyone can plainly see, I'm 5-6 1/2 and a strapping 150, and unlike some people, I came by all of it naturally."

-- Costas

"How do YOU know?"

-- Bonds, to the reporter who relayed Costas' retort

Tracking the sports scandals

Considering little of sporting importance is supposed to happen in July, it's a great month for a vacation, which is why nearly everyone except me takes one.

Only this July has turned out like no other. Indictments, drug scandals and humiliated commissioners -- and no, not talking about Barry Bonds. Hell, Barry looks like a Boy Scout compared to Michael Vick and Tim Donaghy, and that's just the top of the list.

Here's a few quick hits of the month nearly passed. With so much foolishness, maybe all of sports should consider taking some time off:

• The irony of the NBA's crooked referee scandal is that the league's critics have been bashing it for years because its players are too bold, too brash and, let's face it, too black for some people's comfort.

And then it's the clean-cut white guy who ruins the whole thing.

• There's no excuse for dog fighting, but why doesn't everyone get even remotely as outraged about all the pro athletes who beat up women? That's practically an every-week crime.

• I all but gave up on cycling some time ago -- great sport, lots of cheating; even Lance Armstrong was implicated yet cleared -- but how does anyone remain a fan when UCI president Pat McQuaid says the following about Tour de Farce leader Michael Rasmussen: "It would be better if somebody else were to win. The last thing this sport needs is more speculation about doping."

Rasmussen was removed from the race Wednesday.

• And why was anyone surprised by Gary Player's claim that some PGA pros are on the juice, too? People cheat in every walk of life -- religion, charity, government, marriage. Why would golfers tempted by millions of dollars be the only honest bunch left out there?

• Then there's the poor NHL, which can't even get a good scandal going.

• I ruefully admit to watching part of one segment of "Who's Now?," the SportsCenter series so ridiculously bad it makes Chris Berman continuing to ruin the home run derby seem reasonable.

Matt Leinart was up against Tiger Woods (I think) and, I swear, one of Leinart's attributes was that he may have hooked up with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. This was cited as a positive. And Mike Wilbon went along with it. I saw this happen. Really.

That's a wretched two minutes of my life I can never do over.

In August -- maybe even before we exit July -- Bonds will break Aaron's home record, Tom Glavine will get his 300th win, and some of the focus will turn to baseball playoffs and the anticipation of football season. It has to get better for the sporting life -- doesn't it?

What a Threat We Have in Cheeses

Houston -- and America: we don't have a problem. If you're stupid enough to be alarmed by this, then by all means stay tuned to Dancing With the Stars.

Hat tip to Steve Bates for the headline.

More bloggerrhea ...

-- You've been getting ripped off at the pump by the oil companies, for as long as there's been motor fuel and hot summers, in ways you probably never imagined. Never forget what our nation's finest are fighting, bleeding, and dying for. Record profits.

-- Democratic "centrists" get snubbed by every single presidential candidate. Of course this is a political calculation, especially by the early polling leader. See, she actually benefits from being criticized by progressives -- like me -- because it gives her the opportunity to present herself as unbeholden to the party's base.

-- OMFG Dept.: Alberto Gonzales is a liar, and there's a paper trail to prove it.

You don't think he could be forced to resign, do you?

-- Are we there yet?

The America that would accept this kind of edict in silence is not the America that we grew up in. Something has changed. We are poised to accept this like we've accepted every other insult. It's hard to imagine that, even when bloggers and other dissenters start losing their property, that there will be tens of thousands in the streets to protect us. As long as the forms are still there, and the system continues to do what it must to sustain itself, we will simply be collateral damage.

If we accept the forcible removal of our property without due process, forcible removal of our lives will not be far behind. And there are people eager to accomplish this: according to Barna Research, there are about 50 million hardcore fundamentalists who have been eagerly awaiting the day, training and planning and praying for the chance to do just that -- to take out their frustrations on the liberal traitors whom they have been taught to believe are responsible for everything that's wrong with their lives. They believe, in their bones, we have stabbed God's America in the back; and they are out for vengeance. This is the edict that will provide "legal" support and justification for their first tentative steps toward mob rule.

Are we there yet? Not quite. But Bush has just put the capstone on the doorway leading to the coming fascist state. Whether your own B clause is a passport or a gun, it's probably time to make sure both are in good working order.

Lighter-fare links ahead.

-- The Ten Commandments of Cellular Telephone Etiquette. My personal most grating:

1. Thou shalt not subject defenseless others to cell phone conversations. When people cannot escape the banality of your conversation, such as on the bus, in a cab, on a grounded airplane, or at the dinner table, you should spare them. People around you should have the option of not listening. If they don't, you shouldn't be babbling.

5. Thou shalt not dial while driving. In all seriousness, this madness has to stop. There are enough people in the world who have problems mastering vehicles and phones individually. Put them together and we have a serious health hazard on our hands.

-- This story made me want to run away and join the circus.

-- And I missed this last Sunday, but San Antonio and Austin can still catch it:

The Uncathon event is to raise money for Port Arthur blues legend "Uncle" John Turner, who has played with Stevie Ray Vaughan, Johnny Winter, B.B. King, Jimi Hendrix and a number of other blues luminaries.

Update (today, from commenter Bev): RIP, Uncle John.

John Cornyn dressed as a Rove cheerleader (and assorted postpourri)

Or you can make him put on a lapdog outfit, complete with a box turtle. Yes, you. You can do it.

Is there no shame too great for Alberto Gonzales to endure? Apparently not.

Right, Greg takes it in stride. Good; we mean it all in fun -- just so long as Rick Noriega gets elected, that is. You can still be one of those Great 800 with as little as one dollar.

Last night I took my nephew to the ballgame. It was a fine time:

They stood throughout Minute Maid Park in the sixth inning Tuesday night, focused on Craig Biggio at the plate. In the home dugout and in the stands, they craved one of those storybook moments that rarely materialize the way fans and players see them in their dreams.

Only six hours after Biggio had shown gratitude for being able to write his own retirement script and announcing this will be his last season as a major league player, the Astros icon added the perfect ending to his monumental day.

The bases were loaded, and the score was tied. The crowd of 38,247 was on its feet and sending a raucous echo through Minute Maid Park. As if straight from central casting, Biggio rewarded his fans with a grand slam into the Crawford Boxes. ...

"I didn't even feel like I was touching the bases at times," said Biggio, 41, who will retire after his 20th season, all in Houston. "It was just a magical, magical day. I topped it off with an unbelievable ending."

Like an obedient servant to the adoring masses, Biggio responded to the "BIG-GI-O! BIG-GI-O!" chants by tipping his cap during a curtain call.