Sunday Funnies, Unscripted and Spontaneous edition

Adios, MoFo (with a dream sequence update)

Too easy a headline, considering the departed has been on life support for some time.

Rick Perry's political career ended with a whimper, a remarkable if predictable fall for the longest-serving governor in Texas history and a leader many considered the Republican Party's savior just four years ago.

History may judge it an end sealed back in 2011, when Perry froze on a debate stage and tried to recover with an embarrassed "oops." Others may remember the former governor with the movie-star looks and resume to match as Donald Trump's first political victim.

He left with a tinge of bitterness against the candidate with even more remarkable hair than his own.

In July Perry blasted Trump as a "cancer on conservatism (that) threatens to metastasize into a movement of mean-spirited politics." On Friday he offered another, more veiled, jab at the real estate mogul and star of wildly popular television show "The Apprentice."

"The conservative movement has always been about principles, not about personalities," Perry told the Missouri crowd.

"Our nominee should embody those principles. He or she must make the case for the cause of conservatism more than the cause of their own celebrity."

With $13 million remaining in his super PAC account, Governor Oops can still be a kingmaker of sorts.  Don't count on him crowning The Donald with any money.  The fellow who stands to benefit the most from Perry's second crap-out in four years is probably Ted Cruz.

Cruz feels that Perry's exit will make it easier to attract top Texas donors who hadn't otherwise contributed to the senator, because they didn't want to be seen as publicly choosing sides against Perry, the person said. It also may make the March 1 Texas primary "a lot cleaner," since Cruz will be the clear home-state choice.

At the moment, polling in Iowa shows Trump, Ben Carson, Cruz, and Carly Fiorina first through fourth.

Between the four of them, there’s about two-and-a-half years of experience in public office — all belonging to Cruz — and that experience largely consists of shouting and/or reading children’s books in an empty room while C-SPAN cameras whir softly.

We're gonna let you git on down the road, Goodhair.

Update:  I did not have time to include this in the post, but on Friday night I had a dream that involved me being at a party with Taylor Swift (she performed in Houston this past week) and a few hundred other of her closest friends.  It should be noted here that I am not a fan, don't have any of her music, don't know any of the words or even titles of her songs.

But there I was, sitting at the edge of a luxurious, resort-style swimming pool, legs in the water, eating a delicious stuffed croissant with crab and mushrooms and some kind of creamy alfredo sauce (essentially something I can never eat, as I am diabetic).  A waiter came by and I asked me if I would like to have a 'margarita shrimp cocktail', which he promptly set down beside me.  It was, as you might visualize, a frozen margarita with boiled shrimp lining the rim.  As I surveyed the delicacies I was eating and about to eat, I looked up, and from across the pool Taylor was waving at me.  I smiled and waved back, then noticed from the lower corner of my eye that someone in one of those floating chair things -- the kind with a cup holder in the armrest -- had paddled over to me and was extending his hand to shake.

It was Rick Perry, and he wanted to thank me for everything that I had blogged about his campaign through the years, how grateful he was for all the help, and blahblahblah....

Apparently that was too much cognitive dissonance for my conscious mind to endure, and it promptly shook my subconscious/unconscious by the figurative shoulders and I woke up.  Grinning.

(That's the best imitation of your style that I am capable of, Katy.)

Best Houston mayoral debate happened last night

Best performances by the media as well.  Give serious props to moderators Eric Barajas and Rebecca Suarez for solid prep and good questions.  Not tough ones; not softballs.  Update: And to Miya Shay, who wrote them.

Televised in Spanish by Univision and in English by KTRK, the mods asked each candidate about their most-presumed weaknesses.

"I've learned a lot more from my failures than my success," said King, who smoothly pivoted the question into one about becoming a better candidate because of his earlier mistakes.

Current state representative Sylvester Turner was asked about his two failed runs at mayor prior to now, and why voters should take him more seriously this time.

"Those first two occasions are dress rehearsals; this is the real deal," quipped Turner, before turning more serious. "In life, you will go after things and you won't get it. It doesn't mean you get a negative attitude, it doesn't mean you throw in the towel and quick (sic), you keep on."

Neither of these are particularly good answers, you might note.  And after something like 30 of these fora and no traction or buzz surrounding his campaign, Bill King finally decided it was time to come out against the HERO.

King asked to clarify his stance on #hero, says he's opposed to law as it's written. #houstonvote

— Katherine Driessen (@KatDriessen) September 10, 2015

It might be too late for Pothole Bill to recapture the Hate Caucus back from Ben Hall, but since those folks are also racists... there's always a chance.

Since I missed it live (or taped, so far), I can't tell if Turner's answer about Sandra Bland might be an issue or not.  This Twitter exchange set off some alarms.

.@ESmiley4TX I came off couch w/ @SylvesterTurner's comments on #SandraBland! My God... Victim blame/defame=Dangerous #HoustonVote

— Southern Rock (@SouthernRock3) September 11, 2015

We'll wait a bit and see if that's molehill or mountain.

Hall has a commanding presence on stage.  Trained as both lawyer and pastor, he comes off as relaxed and authoritative.  I was astonished two years ago at how poorly done his TV work was.  I suspect we will see better this time.  Watch his one-minute video segment and then King's (scroll down) and see if you agree.

As the perceived (no polling yet? in mid-September?!  The first and last one came out in late June.  WTF, people?) front-runners, Sylvester Turner and Adrian Garcia took the most incoming fire.

Former Sheriff Adrian Garcia was asked about his controversial management of the Harris County Jail, which was first brought to light by ABC-13. Garcia countered that he addressed the problems as quickly as he found out, then added, " If terrible things happen as mayor, I'll take full responsibility, take action."

Garcia just doesn't have it, whatever 'it' may be.  There's no charisma, no real thoughtfulness being demonstrated.  The lights are on but nobody's home.  Maybe he's too scripted or perhaps he over-practiced.  He simply does not show, through either word or deed, the ability to lead the city.  And that's not just me saying that, but the Harris County Deputy Sheriff's union, the people he formerly commanded, who endorsed Turner yesterday in a sharp jab at the former sheriff.

And that's before you even consider his record, which is stained with a lack of accomplishment beyond Bill White's help, and a repetitive cluelessness that crosses the line to malfeasance (not just the jail mess but the no-bid consultant contract) too many times for my comfort level.  I keep trying to give Garcia the benefit of some doubt, but I still find him unfit for public service.

For his part, Chris Bell enlisted Bill King's help in pointing this out again.

.@BillKingForHou we share disappointment in #HPD solve rate. Do you accept @AdrianGarciaHTX response to the crime rate? #houstonvote

— Chris Bell (@ChrisBell2015) September 10, 2015

Only organization in the US with lower clearance rates than HPD was Harris County Sheriff's Office. @AdrianGarciaHTX https://t.co/pitteulQTo

— Bill King (@BillKingForHou) September 10, 2015

Apparently Chris Bell's biggest flaw in the contest is that he hasn't raised as much money as everybody else.  Candidly, that's a benefit and not a problem.  As long as you're not a fan of oligarchy, of course.

It was Marty McVey who got eliminated from contention last night, sadly.

Local businessman Marty McVey was asked about the more than a dozen lawsuits filed against him in the past few years. The lawsuits, one of which is scheduled to go to trial next year, stemmed from his purchase and bankruptcy of Spring Branch Medical Center. 

"We must face litigation and it's part of doing business sometime," said McVey, who countered that the Medical Center was an anomaly in his string of business successes.

Stick a fork in him.  He had some brief shining moments during the early parts of the campaign, but he's not ready for prime time.  Maybe two years from now he can be saying the kinds of things Hall and King are saying now.

As opposed to McVey, I simply don't know what to make of Steve Costello's performance.  He seems a little too bland, unanimated, "low-energy" as somebody has said about Jeb Bush -- and that's saying a lot with McVey and King to compete with.

So... any clear winners and/or losers to you?

Thanks for playing. We have some nice parting gifts for you

The line forms right over there, behind a certain former Texas governor.

-- Jeb! on with Colbert opening night, was neither hit nor flop.  I wish Stephen had asked him about his economic adviser who doesn't believe in democracy.

"Capitalism is a lot more important than democracy. I’m not even a big believer in democracy. I always say that democracy can be two wolves and a sheep deciding on what to have for dinner. ... Look, I’m in favor of people having the right to vote and things like that. But there are a lot of countries that have the right to vote and they’re still poor. Democracy doesn’t always lead to a good economy or even a good political system."

-- Ted Cruz Huck-blocked at the Kim Davis-palooza.



Absolutely priceless.  Like Governor Oops, Cruz has also turned his campaign over to a super PAC, the one headed by David Barton, who believes that AIDS is a curse sent from God and therefore doctors will never be able to find a vaccine for it.

-- South Carolina Republicans to Lindsey Graham: Please stop already.

-- Scott Walker doesn't want to talk about either the past or the future.

ABC News asked Walker how he would respond to the massive influx of refugees from Syria if he were president today. He explained that the query was flawed. As he is obviously not president, Walker argued, there is no way that he would be able to answer that question. “I'm not president today and I can't be president today,” he said. "Everybody wants to talk about hypotheticals; there is no such thing as a hypothetical" — a sentence that probably would have moved Socrates to set Walker's pants on fire himself. 

Walker has avoided answering questions with similar evasions before — although "I'm not president, so I can't answer that" is the closest he has come to finding the secret cheat code that will allow him to advance to the convention without having to provide much insight into how he might deal with the types of difficult decisions a president has to make.

Walker's next campaign reboot involves renaming himself Chauncey Gardiner.

Sorry, no Trump around here.  Plenty elsewhere if that's what you like.  Update: More yahoos who might as well call it quits: Jindal, Santorum, Pataki, Gilmore.  I wonder why nobody mentions Fat Bastard.

Houston mayoral forum tonight, televised in English and in Spanish, and we'll be back to some local coverage after that with a few contested council district race profiles and analysis, and perhaps some other hot rumors circulating.

Hillary Clinton reinvents herself again

This is worse than watching Madonna through the years.  How many more versions do we need?

The New York Times reported Tuesday that the Democratic candidate will no longer use the term “everyday Americans” when promoting her plans to bolster the middle class. While continuing to draw on her experience as a new grandmother, Clinton will talk in more general terms about bettering the U.S. for future generations, instead of making specific references to her own, privileged granddaughter. And five months after launching her candidacy with a series of small, media-free meetings with voters in Iowa and New Hampshire, Clinton’s fall schedule includes upcoming appearances on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” and “The Tonight Show” with Jimmy Fallon, and plans for larger, more informal gatherings with supporters.

More general terms than she has to this point?

In the face of an email scandal that has swelled alongside the unexpected surge in support for her less-scripted rivals Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, Clinton aides told the Times that they are determined to highlight the former secretary of state’s sense of humor and compassion on the campaign trail.

This is, of course, just the latest attempt to reshape Clinton’s public image. In the many public roles she’s played over the last two decades — from first lady to U.S. senator to secretary of state — appearing down to earth and even human has been among Clinton’s most difficult challenges.

One she is losing. Again.

The word “polarizing” has been used to describe Hillary Clinton since she first hit the presidential campaign trail alongside her husband in 1992. Clearly interested in more than just a supporting role in the White House, Clinton’s unabashed ambition became a source of contention early on in the primary race.

“You know, some people think of you as an inspiring female attorney mother, and other people think of you as the overbearing yuppie wife from hell,” a reporter from Ohio told the would-be first lady in May 1992. “How would you describe yourself?”

By then, New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd wrote at the time, Clinton was already “on a mission to soften her image and show that she has a sense of humor.” Months earlier, she’d caused controversy with the now infamous quip, “I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession, which I entered before my husband was in public life.” So, Dowd wrote, “she smiled and described herself as a wife, a mother and an activist.”

This is simply excruciating.  And it's closing in on its 24th year in syndication.

In 2014, the Clinton Library in Little Rock, Ark., released nearly 4,000 pages of internal White House communications, including a series of confidential memos revealing much of the behind-the-scenes work that went into crafting Hillary Clinton’s public image.

Memos from 1995 show Clinton staff determined to rehabilitate the country’s perception of the first lady in the wake of the health care reform failure and ahead of the 1996 election. In one of many memos sent that year, press secretary Lisa Caputo described the Clintons’ 20th wedding anniversary as “a wonderful opportunity for Hillary” to regain public affection and suggested they throw “a big party” and invite People magazine to do a photo spread of the event.

Some of Caputo’s other image-conscious ideas for the first lady included an appearance on ABC’s family-friendly sitcom “Home Improvement,” a birthday celebration for Eleanor Roosevelt to make her look “less extreme” and monthly meetings with women’s magazine editors in an effort to “turn the editors into Clinton surrogates.”

I feel like Malcolm McDowell's character in A Clockwork Orange, forced to watch the carnage until I am desensitized to it.

“For someone like Hillary Clinton, who has gone through so many incarnations in the public eye, at some point they lose themselves,” (author of the 2006 biography Hillary Rodham Clinton: Polarizing First Lady Gil) Troy said. “It’s not just about her finding her voice, it’s also about her trying to convince people that she’s authentic.”

Somebody pleeeeze tell the lady that ship has sailed.

Update: "Clinton's bungled reboot", from The Atlantic.

She could win more votes in the 18-59 demographic -- and thus the election, hands down -- in five seconds if she would say, 'I support the full legalization of marijuana', but she won't say that because of the millions she's taken from Big Pharma and the private prison industry.  And I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, if she starts twerking I'm voting for Trump.