Sunday Funnies

"Gas prices are so high that Mitt Romney's wife can only afford to drive one Cadillac."
-- Jay Leno

“Rick, I'm sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him shit his pants.” -- Jon Stewart

"Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail." -- Conan O'Brien

As Friday Filing Week begins...

... here's a summary of things I'm reading that have nothing to do with Texas politics.

-- Obama to Israel, Iran: "As president of the United States, I don't bluff".

At the White House on Monday, President Obama will seek to persuade the Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, to postpone whatever plans he may have to bomb Iran's nuclear facilities in the coming months. Obama will argue that under his leadership, the United States "has Israel's back," and that he will order the U.S. military to destroy Iran's nuclear program if economic sanctions fail to compel Tehran to shelve its nuclear ambitions.

-- 'Man sues Google over Street View urination photo, says it has made him a laughingstock.' And if you haven't seen the compilations of some of these street-view photos, here's a good one. Just don't be eating or drinking anything when you click over or else you'll need a new computer.

-- Obama waives rule allowing indefinite military detention of Americans. This would be in regard to the fairly nefarious NDAA legislation he signed last year. Money graf:

Advocates for liberties will likely find the new rules for implementing reassuring, at least while President Obama is in office. But one of their big complaints with his signing of the law is that his policies only last so long as he is in office, and they will likely step up attempts to repeal it.

-- 25 people who Tweeted that Obama had Breitbart assassinated. This is pretty much all I will have to say on this topic.

-- 'Silence Gun: Strange weapon of the future immediately quiets you, whether you like it or not'. Between this thing and this law, the era of the public protest is drawing to a close.

The gun operates based on the concept of delayed auditory feedback. An attached microphone picks up the sound being made by the target and plays it back 0.2 seconds later. The effect is incredibly confusing to the human brain, making it all but impossible to talk or hold a conversation. The device doesn't cause the person it's being used on any physical harm — it simply messes with their head.

When the human brain hears its own speech perfectly in sync during normal speech, it easily processes the input and allows you to largely ignore the sound of your own voice. However, by offsetting the response just a bit, the brain hears your mouth speaking as well as the strange echo effect produced by the gun. This unusual combination is confusing enough to effectively shut down the part of your brain responsible for managing speech, and you fall immediately silent.

-- Speaking of guns, the Texas Department of Public Safety now has its own navy: six speedboats with multiple machine guns each patrolling the Rio Grande.

The 34-foot-long boats, each powered by three, 300-horsepower outboard engines, will have bulletproof plating and six machine guns apiece, not unlike the river patrol boats the U.S. Navy used during the Vietnam War.

The Lewsiville Texan Journal has video. The Texas Observer observes...

So is DPS going to start blazing away at women and children crossing illegally on inner tubes? Do they need six machine guns to nail some dope smugglers crossing kilos of marijuana? Also, the area of Falcon Lake where (DPS trooper) David Hartley was allegedly killed was on the Mexican side of the lake. DPS can't patrol in Mexico.

Ah, but who cares -- have you seen the bad-ass machine guns?

-- Our oceans are acidifying rapidly.

The world's oceans are turning acidic at what could be the fastest pace of any time in the past 300 million years, even more rapidly than during a monster emission of planet-warming carbon 56 million years ago, scientists said on Thursday.

[...]

Quickly acidifying seawater eats away at coral reefs, which provide habitat for other animals and plants, and makes it harder for mussels and oysters to form protective shells. It can also interfere with small organisms that feed commercial fish like salmon.

The phenomenon has been a top concern of Jane Lubchenco, the head of the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, who has conducted demonstrations about acidification during hearings in the U.S. Congress.

Oceans get more acidic when more carbon gets into the atmosphere. In pre-industrial times, that occurred periodically in natural pulses of carbon that also pushed up global temperatures, the scientists wrote.

Damn those elitist snob scientists and their gloom-and-doom. Let's just pretend it's not happening.

-- Speaking of oceans, seventy years ago the USS Houston went to a watery grave in the Pacific after being shelled by a Japanese fleet near Jakarta, Indonesia. Two of its surviving sailors, now in their 90's, were in Houston yesterday to commemorate the anniversary. Both men survived not only the sinking but also three years in Japanese internment, where they participated in constructing the actual "Bridge on the River Kwai".

-- OK, OK. One Houston political mention. "Montrose, here's your new Congressman: Ted Poe."

Redistricting settlements change ballot access for minor parties, indy candidates

With the maps settled, there are numerous developments regarding the timing of Texas primary elections, who is eligible to run, and what requirements and stipulations are changing. But to me, this is the most remarkable development, if these interpretations are clear (and yes, legal translations are still to come).

On February 29, the Texas Republican Party and Texas Democratic Party submitted a joint proposal to the 3-judge U.S. District Court that is hearing the redistricting case. The two parties advocate these policies for minor party and independent candidate ballot access for 2012:

1. Petitions for newly-qualifying parties, and for independent candidates for President, and independent candidates for all other office, will be due June 29.

2. No primary screen-out will exist in 2012 for these petitions.

These ideas represent a huge improvement for ballot access compared to the statutory law.

Michael Li with more:

The order also addressed independent candidates by changing the deadline for such candidates to file applications for a spot on the ballot to June 29, 2012 and waiving provisions of the Texas Election Code that invalidated signatures collected for independent candidates if they were collected before the date of the Texas primary.

Here is a copy of the order. Jim Riley's comment has elaboration.

This opens a new world of possibility for third parties, their candidates, and independents (which, if you have been following me lately, is my new cause). More parties, more choices, more democracy. Anything that threatens the old way of doing things is something I am all in favor of.

Romney gets his groove back

Just the mental image of R-money getting his groove on is enough to make a person shudder, isn't it?

"We didn't win by a lot, but we won by enough, and that's all that counts," Romney told a crowd gathered at his victory party in Novi, Mich.

In Michigan, Romney held a 3 percent lead -- 41 percent to 38 percent over Rick Santorum -- with 99 percent of precincts reporting. Ron Paul received 12 percent of the vote and Newt Gingrich received 7 percent. In Arizona, with 90 percent of precincts reporting, Romney led with 47 percent, Santorum was in second with 27 percent, Gingrich third with 16 percent and Paul fourth with 8 percent.

Someone else also declared victory.

In an optimistic speech during which several news networks declared Romney the winner of Michigan, Santorum said, "A month ago they didn't know who we are, but they do now."

Oh, we've all known what you are for quite a long time now.

Though Arizona and Michigan have almost the same number of delegates, AZ was winner-take-all while MI awards proportionately. Thus R-money was going to have a good night even if he had lost the Wolverines. But the media spin has been all about him not surging, so last night's results are gold-star worthy.

Santorum, for his part, seems to recognize now where he went off the rails.

"We came to the backyard of one of my opponents, in a race where people said, 'You know, just ignore it, you're going to have no chance here.' And the people of Michigan looked into the hearts of the candidates, and all I have to say is, 'I love you back.'"

The crowd was enthusiastic, with one man shouting, "I love you," but there was a sad tone in the air that began even before they took the stage, as the theme song to the "The Natural" played.

Santorum mentioned his 93-year-old mother, something he hasn't in previous speeches, and he told the audience in what seemed to be a pitch to female voters who might feel put off by some of his previous comments about women in the workplace, that his mother made more money than his father.

So... his parents both went to "indoctrination mills". And then they went to work for the gubmint. Damned liberals. It gets worse, though; so did his wife, that horrible woman who had a partial birth abortion.

The former Pennsylvania senator also touted his wife's work experience, saying she was a "professional" as well, and thanked his daughter, Elizabeth, who has been on the campaign trail with him since the early days in Iowa.

"[Karen] worked as a nurse, but after we got married, she decided to walk away, yet didn't quit working. She was a mother, and also wrote two books," Santorum said, in what also seemed to be an appeal to female voters.

He spent most of his speech repeating the themes he does on the stump, including his mention of the Declaration of Independence, but this evening there was a twist on that, too.

"The men and women who signed that declaration wrote the final phrase, 'We pledge to each other our lives, our fortune, and our sacred honor," Santorum said.

There were no women who signed the Declaration of Independence.

Note to Santorum: work in some praise of Martha Washington and Abigail Adams. Try to avoid talking about Sally Hemings or Benjamin Franklin's various indiscretions.

By the way, Ron Paul isn't giving up either. Newt Gingrich just has Georgia on his mind at this point. All this, as you can imagine, is a bit tiring for some people.

"Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief and Romney gets a little momentum heading into next week, but it doesn't change much," Republican strategist Ron Bonjean said. "This is going to be a long, drawn-out marathon. It feels like a political death march."

That's not a sad trombone, that's a dirge.

Update: More "experts" -- in this case unemployed Republican political consultants -- rain on R-money's parade.

“A loss to Rick Santorum [in Michigan] would have been a shock to his heart, but he’s going into Super Tuesday with some blood on him,” said GOP strategist Dan Schnur, who is not aligned with any of the candidates.

“In order for Romney to get some kudos, he needs to win a state where there aren’t a lot of Mormons [Arizona] or Romneys [Michigan],” Schnur added.

That prize is Ohio, the key blue-collar battleground on the 10-state Super Tuesday slate — but it’s a state where Romney’s corporate raider background and elitist-sounding verbal stumbles will undoubtedly be used against him by his rivals.

“Has he regained that aura of inevitability? That’s an open question,” said GOP strategist Keith Appell of the bipartisan firm CRC Public Relations.

“He spent $4 million on attack ads in Michigan against a guy who didn't have the money to fight back,” added Appell, who is also not working for any of the candidates.

“This was supposed to be over after Romney won New Hampshire, then Nevada and Florida. But it isn't over. Maybe Super Tuesday voters won't be impressed by Romney winning his home state.”

That reads like hideously sour grapes considering the sources. Look at the total delegate counts after last night, and the number of delegates at stake next Tuesday, and note that all the Not-Romneys put together add up several delegates shy of Romney's current total. Even with many states selecting proportionately through the end of March (as well as several non-binding caucuses), at this point the Not-Romneys are contending for ego status, prime time speaking slots at the convention, and 2016.

ThenewmapsarehereThenewmapsarehere!

Said in my best Steve Martin "The Jerk" imitation.

After a months-long set of legal battles spanning three courtrooms in two cities, Texas may finally have a set of interim redistricting maps that could keep the primary election on May 29.

The new maps, released by the San Antonio federal court today, appear to be nearly identical to the compromise maps negotiated between Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott and the Latino Redistricting Task Force, which were rejected by other minority and Democratic groups.

Like that compromise, the court's congressional map would create two new minority congressional seats and preserves the Republican-dominated Legislature's decision to split Austin into five districts, likely forcing U.S. Rep Lloyd Doggett, D-Austin, to run in a new, heavily Hispanic district that stretches from San Antonio to Austin.

Harvey K has links to the maps viewer and this "first blush":

(T)he blobs on the map would seem to show that the AG's compromise maps held up pretty well. On the Congressional plans, the fracturing of Travis County from the state's enacted map has been restored. That means for the interim map at least Lloyd Doggett is being forced to run against a San Antonio Democrat in the new CD 35. Also, the CD 33 in the DFW Metroplex that was drawn into the Abbott compromise map to favor a minority candidate remains in place.

On the House map, Ken Legler's HD 144 (Pasadena area) remains unchanged from Abbott's compromise map but the court made some changes to HD 137 (inc. Scott Hocheberg, retiring) and HD 149 (inc. Hubert Vo) in Harris County. Judges had warned in the status conference that Abbott's treatment of HD 137 had minority retrogression issues. Finally, it looks like the court made some adjustment to John Garza's HD 117 in Bexar County, another flashpoint from the status conference.

I'm back in Culberson's 7th Congressional, but still in Borris Miles' HD 146 and Rodney Ellis' Senate District 13. The Startlegram's Aman Batheja, on Twitter:

Joe Barton won't represent Cowboys Stadium under court-drawn cong. map. Ends up in new Dem-leaning Dist. 33.

Batheja also notes that Tarrant County remains as the Legislature drew it, with a minority district in which two Democratic statehouse incumbents are forced to contend.

With the exception of the hosing of Smokey Joe, these maps are the suck -- unless you're Greg Abbott. They were pushed out early by the judges in order to save a May election day, but as Nolan Hicks at the SAEN observes...

The May 29 primary could still be in jeopardy if any of the groups that sued appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court to block the new maps.

More updates as they roll in.

Update I: Burnt Orange laments Travis County's 5-way split.

The 10th remains largely unchanged, the 21st narrows to a skinny swath of Central Austin, and the 17th (the green area on the map) reaches down from Burleson County to stick a finger into north Austin and Pflugerville, just below the Williamson County border. The bad news is that CD-25 now runs from East Austin to Western Travis County, and then all the way up to Tarrant, while the 35th encompasses eastern Travis County and skips alongside I-35 down to San Antonio.

Sorry, y'all, we Austinites are apparently incapable of handling the rigors of selecting a Congressman whose constituents are primarily in Austin. We need the rest of the surrounding region to do it for us. But good news, Austinites and Pflugervillans, because some of you are about to be represented by Republican Bill Flores! He will care a lot about your concerns. Not really. #sadtrombone

Update II: Matt Angle, Lone Star Project.

Most of the plaintiff groups who challenged the Republican congressional plan hoped for a better interim map. These hopes were undermined, however, when Congressman Henry Cuellar and one of the Latino plaintiff groups – the Latino Task Force – agreed to a compromise proposal that gave up at least three, and perhaps all four, of the additional Texas seats to the Republicans.

Next month, the Federal District Court in Washington, DC is expected to release its decision detailing all of the violations in the State’s originally enacted redistricting plan. Ultimately, the DC Court’s decision will guide the redrawing of new maps when the Legislature meets again in 2013.

Update III: Michael Li.

Buzz that the proposed reopened filing period will be Friday, March 2, through Tuesday, March 6 (which would be somewhat fitting since then the filing period would end on Super Tuesday - the date of the original Texas primary).

For now, everything appears to be on track for a May 29 primary and July 31 (or early August) runoff.

Last update: This DK diary has "full analysis", some of which is even accurate. BOR asks and then answers: "Who likes the way redistricting went? Almost no one, apparently."