Sunday Funnies

In Harris County, DA stands for Dumb Ass

A few samples from around the Tubes regarding the escapades of Harris County's district attorney, Chuck Rosenthal:

As district attorney of a county with a population of four million, more than that of several states, Mr. Rosenthal also presides over the country’s busiest capital punishment establishment, which has sent 100 convicted murderers to their deaths since 1976.

Following in the footsteps of former congressman Mark Foley, it seems like Harris County’s District Attorney, Chuck Rosenthal, forgot emails are forever. Especially those emails you send from your County-owned computer. What part of “open records” do you not understand?? What part of “fidelity” and “adultery” do you not understand?

Dumb, Chuck. Really. Dumb.

What makes us want to up chuck, Chuck, are the mash notes emailed to your former mistress and current Executive Assistant, Kerry Stevens, some of which were printed in today’s Houston Chronicle. ...

This statement from Rosenthal:

Recently some Harris County District Attorney inner (sic) office emails have been released in the media.

I understand that I have said some things that have caused pain and difficulty for my family, my coworkers and friends. I deeply regret having said those things. Moreover, I am sorry for the problems I have caused anyone.

I also understand that sometimes things happen for a purpose. This event has served as a wake-up call to me to get my house in order both literally and figuratively.

Romeo, you’d best take your pants to the tailors and get those faulty zippers replaced. Again.

One of our usually reliable sources in Houston said to watch for Chuck’s resignation announcement. While we agree wholeheartedly that he needs to resign because his actions reflect his lack of personal integrity which; therefore, reflects poorly upon the integrity of his DA’s office, we’ll wait and see. We’re five days away from the filing deadline.

Five days can be an awfully loooong time in Texas politics.

"nonewsisgoodnews", commenting on the story at the Chron:

Why is anyone surprised Rosenthal put his (former???) girlfriend on the public payroll at about double the going rate for her "official" duties? This is the same guy that went to the jail to interview a defendant by claiming he was a defense attorney. The same guy who invited an attorney to bring his client to his office for a "private" meeting, and then planted a "bug" in a clock so that he could listen in to private discussions between the attorney and his client.

His biggest claim to fame was that when the federal building in Oklahoma City was blown up, he celebrated by getting drunk at his desk, and then set off firecrackers in the District Attorney's building. He had a heck of a laugh as terrified prosecutors scrambled down the stairwells in fear of their lives.

But, he is immune to critics. He goes to all Republican party gatherings with a bracelet that says "WWJD"...What Would Jesus Do?" Among the Republican faithful, that bracelet means you are free to do what ever you want.

And finally the translated statement from Rosenthal, courtesy Bay Area John:

Recently some Harris County District Attorney inner office emails have been released in the media. It makes me look like a hypocrite which lately is not hard to do in the Republican party.

I understand that I have said some things that have caused pain and difficulty for my family, like writing an email that said I wanted to kiss my secretary behind her right ear when in fact her left ear is just as luscious. Or wanting to caress her firm supple breasteses. (Ok I didnt write that, but I did think it) I deeply regret having said those things although I had quite a woody when I did.

I also understand that sometimes things happen for a purpose. Maybe this will encourage my wife to leave my sorry ass, or for the Harris County Republican Party to denounce my adulterous behavior and demand my resignation. But I am not going to hold my breath since Jared Woodfill is a big wuss and won't do diddly squat. In fact maybe Jared should resign.

This event should serve as a wake-up call to the voters of Harris County concerning the lack of ethics, intelligence, and Christian family values of the Gross Old hyPocrite party.

Charles "The Horny and Incredibly Stupid" Rosenthal
Soon to be Former Harris County District Attorney

Terrified Huckabee demands immediate border wall construction

The only thing faster than Huck's rise in the polls has been his remarkable talent for shooting himself in the foot:

Mike Huckabee used the volatile situation in Pakistan Friday to make an argument for building a fence on the American border with Mexico and found himself trying to explain a series of remarks about Pakistanis and their nation.

On Thursday night he told reporters in Orlando, Fla.: “We ought to have an immediate, very clear monitoring of our borders and particularly to make sure if there’s any unusual activity of Pakistanis coming into the country.”

Yes, that's exactly what 'we' ought to do, Mike. Double-check the IDs and nationality of every single one of those "illegals" pouring over the border.

On Friday, in Pella, Iowa, he expanded on those remarks.

“When I say single them out I am making the observation that we have more Pakistani illegals coming across our border than all other nationalities except those immediately south of the border,” he told reporters in Pella. “And in light of what is happening in Pakistan it ought to give us pause as to why are so many illegals coming across these borders.”

Wrong again, Huckster:

In fact, far more illegal immigrants come from the Philippines, Korea, China and Vietnam, according to recent estimates from the Department of Homeland Security.

Asked how a border fence would help keep out Pakistani immigrants, Mr. Huckabee argued that airplane security was already strong, but that security at the southern United States border was dangerously weak.

“The fact is that the immigration issue is not so much about people coming to pick lettuce or make beds, it’s about someone coming with a shoulder-fired missile,” he said.

Obviously 'we' had better to go to Orange Alert.

This flip-flop on immigration (coincidentally coming in the wake of Tom Tancredo's withdrawal) surprises and disappoints a LULAC official who once worked with Huck:

Hispanic activists in Arkansas who viewed former Gov. Mike Huckabee as a voice of moderation on illegal immigration say they've been taken aback by the hard-line stance he's adopted.

While governor, Huckabee gained favor with Hispanic leaders by denouncing a high-profile federal immigration raid and suggesting some anti-illegal immigration measures were driven by racism. He advocated making children of illegal immigrants eligible for college scholarships.

Huckabee's Republican presidential rivals have tried to make an issue of the scholarship plan, portraying him as soft on illegal immigration. Huckabee responded this month by unveiling a plan to seal the Mexican border, hire more agents to patrol it and make illegal immigrants go home before they could apply to return to this country.

"He's trying to be tougher on immigration than we've ever seen him before," said Carlos Cervantes, the Arkansas director of the League of United Latin American Citizens. " ... I don't see that he's willing to work with us now."

And also underscores a number of Hucko's embarrassing gaffes (including this hilarious "eastern borders with Afghanistan" mistake):

The sudden emergency in Pakistan and Huckabee’s response come at a time when he has come under increasing scrutiny from opponents for his lack of fluency in foreign policy issues, and the situation in Pakistan appeared to have challenged him.

“We have seen what happens in the Musharraf government,” Huckabee said on MSNBC. “He has told us he does not have enough control of those eastern borders near Afghanistan to be able go after the terrorists. But on the other hand, did he not want us going in, so what do we do?” Those borders are actually on the west, not the east.

Further, he offered an Orlando crowd his “apologies for what has happened in Pakistan.” His aides said later that he meant to say “sympathies.” He also said he was worried about martial law “continuing” in Pakistan, although Musharraf lifted the state of emergency on Dec. 15. His campaign told CBS News that his statement was not a blunder.

Stace awards Huck the Tancrazy. I heartily concur.

Update (12/29): Lone Star Times, my favorite right-wing blog -- seriously -- has more on Huck's foibles that include John Bolton and Condi Rice having to straighten him out.

The hate never takes a break

... not even on Christmas:

-- "I'm a racist POS, so are all my commenters, and we lovin' every minute of it"

-- "Schadenfreude San Fran Style". An excerpt:

San Francisco, like many libtard outposts, has made it extremely difficult for large chain stores to operate in the city. Libtards think that they must put up barriers to successful businesses, in order to protect "Mom and Pop" businesses from actually having to compete in the marketplace. Well, this Christmas, the chickens came home to roost. Seems that San Franciscoans are having a hard time finding the popular toys this season, because none of the Mom and Pop stores carry them.

"San Franciscoans"? If the link wasn't broken we might be able to understand what this goon is trying to say. On the other hand, maybe not.

Some people need to recognize when they are just too stupid to blog. This is one of those people.

-- Still fighting the War on Christmas, even on Christmas. Maybe he's getting a jump on next year.

-- This poor fool consistently demonstrates the most twisted logic on the InnerTubes. Christmas Day's sample:

Evan's (sic) argument makes no sense. You can't even apply for welfare without an ID. So why would voting "skew" against Democrats. There is only one good reason. It skews against voter fraud and Democrats think they need it to succeed at the ballot box. The idea that requiring an ID would stop a valid voter is absurd and preposterous. It starts with the ludicrous premise that requiring an ID is exclusionary. There is no credible evidence that it is. To the extent that it might be, the laws permit affidavits. Anybody can get an ID card, even terrorist. The requirement just makes it inconvenient to vote more than once are vote for someone else without going to extra trouble. The only reason to oppose voter IDs is to facilitate election fraud.

A conclusion reached on the forests of evidence completely the opposite of all the experts (sort of like global warming, the casus belli for Iraq, etc.). No wonder this fellow is a "former general counsel". Between his active retirement building furniture and studying military history, Merv finds time for twenty posts a day, sampling the worst the Right has to offer and making observations of the pretzel logic variety. Occasional entertainment, mostly dross.

-- The most consistently noxious local rightie posted this frothing diatribe two days before Christmas (so we should be thankful he was able to empty his spleen on the Lord's day):

It seems the only thing the left despises more than Soldiers is Christians. So I can see why this picture would drive them insane.

Previously challenged Ezra Klein to a fight, also called out Rick Noriega for his Gold Star award (a theme initiated by this conservative blogger, and similarly rebuked in his comments). Those were actually two of Rob's least vile posts. He elicits considerably more in the way of mocking laughter than he does outrage, which likely makes him even more bitter.

Well, that's all the gall my bladder can process for a while. We're off to Lose-iana for a couple of days to watch the ponies and arm the bandits. Play nicely with your toys and don't bother Mommy and Daddy while they worry about how all this Christmas is going to be paid for.

Season's Greetings

Because Jesus never rode an elephant.

Back with a year-end Wrangle sometime after Christmas.

More Sunday Funnies

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, John Cornyn gave to me ...

... and you, and all the rest of us in Texas:

*deep inhale*

Twelve lapdog cronies, eleven forgotten military bases, ten (million) sick kids, nine fired US Attorneys, eight Children Left Behind, seven undetected WMDs, six hurricane-ravaged homes ...

Five Border Fence Lies ...

Four undisclosed earmarks, three disenfranchised voters, two abandoned veterans, and some partisanship and demogoguery.

And thanks to the TCD (hat tip BOR) we have additional verification that the Junior Senator is The Grinch:

Good Time Charlie's War

I never gave too much thought to Charlie Wilson, all those years growing up with him as my Congressman, even though it was about the same time I was doing all that partying of my own. My parties were good, just not as good as his:

In the summer of 1980, Wilson traveled to Las Vegas with a girlfriend, who happened to be a Playboy cover girl, and he somehow ended up in a hot tub at Caesars Palace with two naked showgirls.

"The girls had cocaine, and the music was loud," Wilson told the late George Crile, author of the 2003 book "Charlie Wilson's War," which inspired the movie. "It was total happiness. And both of them had 10 long, red fingernails with an endless supply of beautiful white powder. . . . The feds spent a million bucks trying to figure out whether, when those fingernails passed under my nose, did I inhale or exhale, and I ain't telling."

Those "feds" were led by Rudolph Giuliani, then a young Justice Department attorney, heading an investigation into drug use on Capitol Hill. When news of the probe leaked, Wilson denied that he'd used cocaine. Then he added a promise that was pure Wilson: "I won't blame booze and I won't suddenly find Jesus." ...

But his troubles weren't over. A month later, driving in a condition he later described as "drunker than [bleep]," Wilson lost control of his Lincoln Continental on the Key Bridge, smacked into a Mazda, then drove away. A witness reported his license number to the police, and he was busted for hit-and-run driving.

Divorce, dope, drunk driving: As the 1984 election approached, the experts figured the voters of East Texas might decide to replace Wilson with someone a bit less, um, colorful.

But the experts were wrong, as they often are, and the God-fearing people of East Texas reelected Wilson in 1984 -- and five times after that.

Yeah, ol' Good Time Charlie didn't leave Congress until 1996, after the Newties came into power. Hollywood has made a pretty good movie about him, a satirical comedy mostly. As such it's still too bad the movie is missing -- as with most Hollywood productions -- a couple of elements of accuracy:

In the latter half of the movie, there is one big lie and one item of anti-Afghan propaganda. The lie is that U.S. support to the mujahiddin went only to the faction led by Ahmad Shah Massoud, the Afghan leader who was assassinated on Sept. 9, 2001. I spoke with Rep. Charlie Wilson, D-Texas, in 2002, at which time he called Massoud "a Russian collaborator." I find it disingenuous that Wilson and his Hollywood biographers now want to throw their arms around him. (Note: George Crile's book does not make this false claim.) Moreover, if this movie succeeds in convincing Americans that the U.S. support went to Ahmad Shah Massoud alone, it will have effectively let the CIA and Wilson off the hook for their contribution to the circumstances leading up to 9/11. During the 1980s, Wilson engineered the appropriation of approximately $3.5 billion to help the Afghans fight the Soviets. According to Milt Bearden, CIA chief of station to Pakistan, Massoud received less than 1 percent of it.

More explanation here. Continuing:

In the same scene in the movie as the misinformation about Massoud is a propagandistic joke deeply offensive to Afghans. This joke (coupled with the Massoud "inaccuracy") is the reason that the Afghan Embassy is boycotting Charlie Wilson's War.

The joke is: "When a Tajik man wants to make love to a woman, his first choice is a Pashtun man."

Why is this propagandistic? Because it supports the idea that Afghans are just too tribal to get along. They've always fought each other. As Wilson once said to me, "You put two Afghans in a room, you end up with seven factions." The trouble with this idea is that Afghanistan has been a cohesive nation for several hundred years.

So who wants the world to believe that Afghans can't get along? Pakistan. The reason for this is the Durrand Line. The Durrand Line is the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan, and it is not very stable. There are Pashtun tribal regions on both sides of the border, and at some point since the establishment of Pakistan (about 60 years ago), it was suggested that the Pashtuns on both sides of the border should unite to create Pashtunistan. This idea makes the government of Pakistan very nervous. In response, they threw their support to Gulbaddin Hekmatyar in the 1980s, because he agreed not to dispute the border, but also because he was deeply feared and disliked by Afghans, and would thus continue to be reliant on Pakistan as his source of power. Pakistan then convinced the CIA, to the cumulative tune of about $1.5 billion, that Gulbaddin was the guy best suited to whoop-ass against the Soviet Union. Later, during the mid 1990s, when he failed to control Afghanistan on their behalf, Pakistan nurtured the Taliban into power.

So why were these two offenses included in this movie?

1. The Massoud "inaccuracy" was included because Tom Hanks "just can't deal with this 9/11 thing"; and because Wilson and Joanne Herring (played by Julia Roberts in the movie) threatened legal action after reading an earlier, more honest, draft of the screenplay by Aaron Sorkin. Herring was Pakistan's honorary consul to the United States in the 1980s, and as such, enlisted Wilson into supporting the cause of the Afghans. Neither Wilson nor Herring wants history to remember them for their contribution to the events that culminated in 9/11.

2. The really bad joke was included because, when Wilson retired from the House of Representatives, he was so copasetic to Pakistani views that he went to work for Pakistan as their lobbyist -- at the rate of $360,000 per year. Not bad for an old skirt-chasin' boozer.

Sunday Funnies

The GOP's fissures (and a possible brokered convention)

I would really like to be blogging more about the Democratic's presidential candidates, but the Repukes are just too entertaining to ignore.

This is the kind of fantastical speculation I enjoy making, as well as reading -- and it's certainly on the minds of quite a few conservatives, you can bet. First, BooMan, and the backstory has to do with John McCain's lawyering up over his relationship with that Washington lobbyist (no, it's not sexual; just click over for the explanation then pick it back up here):

If John McCain does not emerge as the Republican nominee, there's a good likelihood that the GOP is going to be in for a long, strange ride. Let's walk though this.

If Mike Huckabee wins in Iowa, I expect McCain to surge ahead of Romney in New Hampshire and win that state. This will set up a death match between McCain and Huckabee that will go down to the wire. Giuliani could conceivably get into the mix by winning Florida, but he seems too damaged by recent scandals to have much hope. Fred Thompson will go nowhere.

But if McCain has some bad news in the next three weeks that prevents him from capitalizing on a Huckabee win in Iowa, then Romney will likely prevail in the Granite State. We could easily see McCain, Thompson, and Duncan Hunter drop out after New Hampshire or South Carolina. We could see Giuliani drop out after Florida. And we'll be left with Huckabee, Romney, and Ron Paul. And Ron Paul will have enough money to compete everywhere on Super Duper Tuesday, while Huckabee will not, and Romney will have to spend his own fortune.

Even in this scenario, I do not expect Ron Paul to win the nomination, or even any states (although he could win a couple). But he could easily rack up a fifth of the available delegates in a three-way race. Imagine the Republican convention if Ron Paul has the third biggest block of delegates.

Let's go even further here. Assuming that Romney's delegates are more Mormon than his overall universe of support and that Huckabee's delegates are more Southern Baptist than his overall universe of support, and that Ron Paul's delegates are... well... the most enthusiastic and dedicated of Ron Paul's supporters... the Minneapolis convention is going to be a assembly of the cultural fringe. It's hard to picture your average Martha's Vineyard Republican fitting in, exactly.

The Democratic competition is no less fluid, but all the candidates are at least culturally acceptable to the whole range of the Democratic electorate. Our convention will be one big inclusive feel-good party no matter who wins the nomination.

I guess my question is: what will it mean for the GOP over the short to medium term if their convention is completely dominated by Huckabee, Romney, and Paul supporters?

Why, it could mean a brokered convention and perhaps a Newt Gingrich nomination. That kind of deal precludes Paul running third party, especially if he gets promised some plum Cabinet job like Secretary of Commerce. Romney becomes the vice-presidential nominee strictly on the basis of his money, and Huckabee gets to be Secretary of Christianity Implementation.

Maybe Dubya could be a uniter and not a divider after all.

As one of BT's commenters notes, our worst-case November scenario is Hillary Clinton vs. John McCain, and I would add 'with no third-party conservative candidate'. Our generic best-case is anybody vs. Huckabee.

And since this post is about the Repugs, I'm sure I forgot to mention that John Edwards is surging in Iowa while Hillary and Obama beat each other up.

Tancredo self-deports

Ha Ha Ha Ha.

Run third party, you lunatic, and let's see exactly how much support your one-issue candidacy actually has.

It has been demonstrated repeatedly, most recently this week in the suburbs of Fort Worth, that immigration is wedging the Republican base. Even Karl Rove and Dubya know it's a loser, yet still the Nativists wail and gnash their teeth.

Keep at it for at least another year, please. Make illegal immigration the core issue in every single statehouse, Congressional, and Senate and judicial race on the ballot.

Pretty please. Morons.

Update: (12/22): Welcome Lone Star Diary click-overs (all three of you)! You're exactly who I'm talking to -- but only if you completely agree with the moron who runs that one-note blog. Happy Holidays!

Last-minute Christmas shopping postpourri

-- at last night's HCDP Holiday Party, I met Dan Grant and Michael Skelly and Bert Moser (another of our highly qualified candidates for justice on the 14th Court of Appeals) and Dale Henry, whose campaign has this pretty excellent video up:



Unfortunately I also got word that one of my favorite judicial candidates from the last cycle, Chuck Silverman, was not going to make the race this time.

-- We have a candidate for Chief Justice of the Texas Supreme Court: Jim Jordan of Dallas.

Update (12/21): Jordan's bio (courtesy Quorum Report's Daily Buzz, their emphasis):

Jordan, a veteran civil defense attorney and past member of the Texas Association of Defense Counsel, noted a serious backlog in cases at the state’s highest court. "They are failing to do their work as the backlog in cases has reached record levels."

Jordan, who currently presides over the 160^th District Court in Dallas, is Board Certified in Civil Trial Law — a certification earned by less than 2% of Texas Lawyers.

"When the system is broken, the responsibility must fall on the leader," Jordan noted, explaining his decision to seek the Chief Justice position. "I am running for Chief Justice because this Court has lost its way. Instead of upholding the law, it is advancing an ideology," Jordan added, referring to a recent study released by a University of Texas law professor that criticized the court for routinely exceeding its Constitutional authority, ignoring the role of juries, and using the bench to make policy instead of deciding questions of law.

Jordan, who first presided over the 44^th District Court in Dallas, was a partner with the firm Shannon, Gracey, Ratliff & Miller before returning to the bench. In 2006, he won election to the 160^th District Court.

Jordan caught the Dallas County blue wave in 2006 and hopes to repeat the feat statewide next year. I of course think he's onto something.

-- Pooty Poot is TIME's Man. Well, "I" can't win every year (and neither can "you").

-- Nope, nobody cares what Joe Lieberman does any more. And I mean Nooooobody.

-- How the Iowa caucuses work, and why John Edwards will win: because he's almost everybody's second choice (and why Hillary will trail -- because she is nearly no one's).

-- A Mafia museum in Vegas. Can't wait to see it.

-- The NSA has real-time access to your e-mail. Yes, yours. In my case they probably think I have both ED and a small penis, not to mention being a Wall Street penny stock tycoon and an important business associate of several Nigerian concerns.