Thursday, July 29, 2010

Top ten signs Republicans will lose the midterms

Though the GOP can rub their flat hooves with glee over Charlie Rangel's ethical troubles (he's no Duke Cunningham or Tom Foley; certainly no Tom DeLay, but FWIW he should still resign from Congress) their opportunities to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory continue to mount. Let's count the ways ...

1. Former 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is still in the national spotlight, meaning that either there are no Republicans more qualified than her, or that she will follow through with her plans to carve off so-called "Palinistas" from the national Republican Party and form her own ultra-conservative political party.

2. Former vice president Dan Quayle believes that the Republicans will make big wins this fall. Given who is making this prediction, it has a lot of Republicans nervous.

3. A lot of the polls showing Republican candidates in the lead were taken by pollsters who "polled" a variety of zoo animals, the majority of which were elephants.

4. Though George W. Bush appears to have quietly retired to his ranch in Crawford, there are rumblings that his book "Decision Points", which will hit shelves this fall, is full of meaningless ramblings about knowing when to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

5. Though President Obama's approval ratings are "only" hovering around 40%, this is pretty good considering that we are in the middle of Great Depression 2.0 and the worst national natural disaster since Godzilla invaded New York has befallen the Gulf coast. However, vice president Joe Biden -- making a characteristic gaffe -- said that his boss's numbers could "go a whole lot lower."

6. Rumors of an alien spaceship landing this summer in Ohio have lead many to conclude that the 2010 midterm elections will be postponed a year so that Congress and the President can prepare for a Martian invasion.

Rest here. In the spirit of bi-partisanship, the ten reasons why Democrats could still choke, including these gems:

2. Odds in Las Vegas are now only 2 to 1 that Democrats will hold onto the House of Representatives, and 3 to 1 that Levi Johnston's marriage to Bristol Palin won't make it to its one year anniversary.

3. Bo the White House dog has held several press conferences in which he has stated his willingness to work with a Republican majority in the Senate.

4. South Carolina Democratic candidate Alvin Greene, who is facing federal obscenity charges amid rumors he is a Republican plant, plans on switching his party affiliation to the newly formed "Greene Party" should he lose in November.


6. Lobbyists trying to bribe public officials are, for the first time in four years, spending a slight majority of their money on Republicans instead of Democrats.

Seriously though, if you cannot comprehend the scenario that a change of leadership hands in the House portends, then please don't watch this. You'll have nightmares.

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