Sunday Bat Signal Funnies

Tommy Lee Jones, the Senator from the Great State of Texas *update*

Happy Fourth weekend. You are aware that you're outlawed from blowing off your fingers and ruining your hearing? There's a wildfire hazard, you know.

Public Policy Polling reveals that Woodrow F. Call remains the Texas Democrats' only real shot at a statewide office in the 2012 cycle:

Tommy Lee Jones for Senate? We included him in the poll because there is a movement drafting him to run. He actually has a better favorability rating, at 28/14, than any of the candidates more likely to make the race. He has the sort of bipartisan appeal a Democrat would need to win statewide in Texas, with Republicans giving him a 25/12 favorability spread and independents a particularly good 35/12 one. He polls the best of any Democrat not just against Dewhurst but also against GOP hopefuls Ted Cruz and Tom Leppert. A Jones candidacy is probably a pipe dream for Democrats but the numbers do suggest he would have the potential to be a strong nominee.

Geoff Berg has been at the head of the movement, and he notes that US Marshal Sam Gerard Jones hasn't responded so far to any of the previous public entreaties. TLJ appears to be consumed at the moment with Men in Black 3, currently filming in New York but experiencing severe production delays and associated cost overruns. That movie, if it is on time, will reach theaters on Memorial Day weekend 2012. Which is just about perfect timing for a big movie star running for the United States Senate.

Help us, Agent K. You're our only hope.

Texas vows to reclaim title of "Most Regressive State" from Arizona

But Alabama and Mississippi also promise to be 'competitive'.

AUSTIN, TX—Following a series of embarrassingly backward laws recently enacted in Arizona, Texas Governor Rick Perry pledged Wednesday to do everything in his power to reestablish his state as the most regressive in the nation.

"I commend Arizona for its commitment to exceedingly draconian social policies, but [Arizona Governor] Jan Brewer should know that we still have some real doozies up our sleeve," said Perry, referring to Arizona's passage of the strictest immigration law in recent U.S. history, as well as its measures allowing concealed weapons to be carried without a permit and banning ethnic studies programs in public schools.

"Don't forget, we just put an ultraconservative stamp on our educational curriculum that's going to affect the textbooks the whole country uses, and I'm still the only governor nutso enough to float secession. Mark my words, we'll be back and more fucked up than ever!"

Sources close to Perry said that Texas may soon start storing undocumented migrant workers in dog cages while courts decide their immigration status, though Arizona plans to counter with a giant cannon that will be used to shoot anyone with a skin tone darker than ochre who crosses the border from Mexico.

God, don't you wish it really was a joke?

Related:

Arizona High Schools To Now Teach Spanish Entirely In English