DNC Convention Humor

It's not too snarky.

POLL: Race Close Among Voters Without Working Televisions #DNC
— Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) September 7, 2012

Last, the convention that the Republicans saw when they did have their TVs on and tuned to Fox.

With the savage roar of the heathen Democratic horde rising all around him, President Barack Obama delivered an incendiary speech to close his party’s national convention Thursday night, commanding the ultraprogressive minions in attendance to help him “destroy Jesus and usher in a new age of liberal darkness that shall reign o’er the earth for a thousand years.”

The thunderous 45-minute address—during which the president argued for a second term so that he could “finally kill Jesus once and for all, as well as all those who worship him”—was well received by the frenzied, wild-eyed audience, whose piercing chants of “Four more years!” and “Slaughter the believers!” echoed throughout the Time Warner Cable Arena.

“My fellow Americans and godless infidels, I command you to join me as we cast an endless pall of far-left evil across the hills and valleys of our nation!” Obama bellowed from the stage, as thousands in attendance moaned in compliance and gyrated their hips and groins in a lascivious dance. “Together, as a barbarian people forged by the wicked flames of irreligiosity and united by visions of a liberal dystopia, we will rise up as one to scorch the earth with boundless amorality.”

 “The streets shall run red with the blood of forced sodomy, performed daily upon every American man, woman, and child!” the commander-in-chief shouted, froth forming around his mouth as the crowd threw hundreds of aborted fetuses onto the stage. “Die, Christians, die!”

More here. Remember, conservatives: we're not laughing with you, we're laughing at you.

Lloyd Oliver stays on the ballot

As I thought.

Lloyd Oliver may be a pariah to his party, but he remained on the November ballot as the Democratic nominee for Harris County district attorney Wednesday after a state district judge rejected the Democratic Party's attempt to oust him from the ticket.

Someone please hand Lane and Gerry a few towels to wipe off the carton of eggs that's all over their faces.

The Democratic Party announced it was taking Oliver's name off the ballot last week.

Wednesday's ruling comes one day before Harris County Clerk Stan Stanart must get ballots printed in time for overseas and absentee voting.

"I don't think that what happened amounted to a rule violation under party rules," Burke said after a two-hour hearing on Wednesday morning.

Oliver admitted saying that he would have voted for Lykos had he not been running against her. He told the court Wednesday that he made the statement the day after the primary, so she technically no longer was a candidate. He also argued that the party rule applied only to chairmen and other Democratic officials.

"I have a First Amendment right to compliment public officials," he told the court.

The judge agreed.

"I don't think that amounts to an endorsement of the Republican candidate, since she had been defeated by then, and it was coupled with a swipe at the prevailing candidate, Mike Anderson," Burke said.

Two last things from the article.

Neither Lewis nor Birnberg returned calls for comment Wednesday. 

I believe they're both in Charlotte leading cheers at the moment.

Attorneys for the Democratic Party said they have not decided whether to appeal. 

It would be best if they didn't, seeing as how the lovefest in North Carolina is going. Obama is likely to provide coattails as lengthy as 2008... if the locals don't screw it up in the next 50 days or so.

Seriously, fellas: don't keep stepping on your dicks. Oliver might even get enough sympathy momentum from Republicans who supported Lykos to win the DA race. What are you going to do then with your track record of obstruction of democracy?

Let it go. Not another word about him. See if he can win on his own, and then perhaps Harris County will have a district attorney beholden to no party. Even as stupid as Lloyd Oliver is, that might be a good thing.

Update: Texas Lawyer's Tex Parte has more, and Ted Oberg at KTRK had the best reporting, including this video of a couple of difficult questions for the plaintiff's counsel, former 55th District Court Judge Dion Ramos.



Ramos, swept out of office in the Red Tea Tide of 2010, looks and sounds awfully sorry he got this case.

Bubbalicious

Thanks to Mediaite for that.

Former President Bill Clinton injected some of his gigawatt political star power into President Obama‘s reelection effort Wednesday night with a rousing speech to the Democratic National Convention, capped off by a last-minute appearance onstage by the incumbent nominee himself. With his trademark wit and charm, and his hard-won statesmanlike gravity, President Clinton made President Obama’s case for reelection persuasively and convincingly.

You can go on and read all that if you didn't watch. There's also video. Let's get this over with, though, for the sake of sensitivity to the other side.

What The Big Dog is, is a closer.

He's better at it than the best car salesman on Planet Earth. Better than Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross. "Second prize is a set of steak knives."

Bill Clinton, the guy that The Most Interesting Man in the World is modeled after, has tapped so much ass -- scattered liberally across seven continents; yes, even Antarctica -- that most conservatives can't even count that high. He puts Wilt Chamberlain to absolute shame. Check this out from the Onion.

During his speech Wednesday evening at the Democratic National Convention in downtown Charlotte, former U.S. president Bill Clinton finally just unzipped his fly and showed the entire country his penis.

[...]

“So should we just get this over with then?” the president asked the 20,000-member audience, as well as millions watching the nationwide telecast. “Should I show you my penis?”

Immediately after Clinton asked this question, there was reportedly a brief pause, after which a few murmured consents of approval were audible in the crowd, as well as a number of voices clearly shouting “okay” and “sure.”

Sources said the sounds of convention attendees shifting in their seats could then be heard as the president stepped forward to the end of the stage.

“Okay, I’m going to show you my penis now,” said the former president, his hand reaching for his pants zipper as a dead quiet fell over the arena. “Wow. You know, it’s funny, now that it’s finally happening, I actually feel a little nervous. I think it’s good that I’m doing it, but still… Okay, here goes.”

And THAT's how the cow eats the cabbage. Any questions?

Clinton fixed the first Bush economy trainwreck and still found time for a handful of chippies on the side. Obama, of course, still has both hands full with a much bigger mess.

See, this is all you need to remember: Republicans fall in line, but Democrats have to fall in love.

Yeah, they're swooning in Charlotte, the headliner is tonight, and it all spells blue wave disaster for the Bloods. Nancy Pelosi's slip of confidence is showing.

Good luck in 2016, GOP. Take comfort in the fact that this doesn't dent the status quo in Texas all that much.