Sunday Funnies (starring Nate the Neoconservative)

The Twenty-Six Percent Dissolution

I've been waiting to receive this e-mail from a few bitter-enders among my relatives and friends, though candidly I expected it sooner, when the President (sic) was still polling in the thirties:

I’m one of the twenty-six percent of Americans who still believe in our great President Bush, and everything he’s done for our country!

I believe my tax dollars should not be wasted on welfare, health care, and other socialist programs. That’s why I support an administration that uses my tax money to increase Halliburton's profits, or just allows it to go missing in Iraq!

I believe that the Republican Party is the party of moral values. That’s why I voted for the party of Duke Cunningham and Mark Foley!

I believe that trickle-down economics will eventually trickle down to me, and I will become a billionaire. That’s why I support tax cuts for the wealthy!

I believe in Jesus Christ and all of his teachings. That’s why I condone torture!

I believe in war and protecting the homeland. That’s why I declined to enlist, so I could stay here and encourage other people to join up!

I believe drug addicts and sex perverts should be in prison. That’s why I listen to wholesome Americans like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly!

I believe in the sanctity of life, and protecting the unborn. That’s why I cheer when I hear about an abortion clinic full of people being blown up!

I believe in smaller, non-intrusive government. That’s why I support the president’s wire-tapping program!

I believe in the party of fiscal responsibility. That’s why I support the Republicans like Ted Stevens who continue to run up the national debt with loads of pork barrel projects!

I believe that if we don’t fight ‘em over there, we’re going to have to fight ‘em over here. That’s why I stay stateside, so I’ll be armed and ready in case they show up!

I believe that homosexuality is a sin and a threat to American society. That’s why I support the 100% gay-free Republican Party!

I believe in the concept that we are all God’s children. That’s why we have to kill Muslims, because God never meant for them to be part of the family!

I believe that it is my responsibility to stay well-informed. That’s why I have FOX News on my TV, 24/7!

I believe the President has enhanced the state of education in our country. That’s how I lurnt to speek and spel so gud!

I believe the Commander-in-Chief chooses reliable military advisors to assist him with his war strategy. That’s why I respect every new one he appoints, no matter how often he appoints new ones!

I believe a well-rested president is an effective president. That’s why I’m happy we have a president who is on vacation thirty-six weeks out of every year!

I believe we should Support the Troops. That’s why I have yellow ribbon bumperstickers on both of my SUVs!

I believe in freedom of choice. That's why I'm going to vote for whoever Pat Robertson tells me to vote for!

I believe that all Americans should enjoy good health. That's why I believe sick, uninsured Americans -- and especially those nasty illegal aliens -- should just die and leave the rest of us to enjoy our good health!

I believe that solid family values are the backbone of our country. That's why I, my third wife, and my current mistress are all campaigning for Guiliani!

I believe in spreading democracy around the world. That’s why I’m glad we let Iraqis vote while we were bombing the hell out of their country!

I believe in America and everything it stands for. That’s why I display my made-in-China flag proudly on my front porch every single day!


P.S. I believe that the fact that we twenty-six percenters became twenty-four percenters in the time it took to write this is just further proof that the surge is working!