Sunday Funnies

Equal time for Greg ...

Cheney having heart surgery tomorrow, Bush will briefly be 'President'

Wonkette:

Last Saturday doctors performed surgery on George Bush’s asshole, and this Saturday they’ll do it again! But this time, it’s the other asshole, Dick Cheney. They are going to take apart his robotic pig heart and replace the core reactor.

That’s the Friday News Fun from the White House this afternoon. The procedure is just the latest of so very many operations for Cheney, who has already racked up “four heart attacks, quadruple bypass surgery, two artery-clearing angioplasties and an operation to implant the defibrillator.”

During Bush’s time as “president” tomorrow morning, he is expected to play with his dogs and maybe work on his fort in the back yard.

Overheard this week

“This senator (John Cornyn) decided early on to represent one Texan -- the President of the United States. He has carried George Bush’s brief case. He has not represented the 22 million people that live in the state of Texas."

-- State rep. and LTC Rick Noriega

“I would love to earn Mikal’s support. With his support we have a much better chance of defeating Cornyn.”

-- Noriega, gently suggesting that his potential primary opponent find another statewide office upon which to spend his considerable fortune


"Well, you know, what’s interesting is that there have been all these hearings on the attorney general and yet nobody’s really laid a glove on him. … At this point, we have hundreds of hearings that have produced bupkis."

-- Tony Snow, talking about Alberto Gonzales


“Coming soon to a classroom near you, Al Qaeda!”

-- Alan Colmes, on FOX News

Bill O'Reilly: "(Daily Kos is) like the Ku Klux Klan. It's like the Nazi party."

Stephen Colbert: "Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum. "

-- The Colbert Report

(Bob Costas is a) "little midget man who knows (nothing) about baseball."

-- Barry Bonds, in response to this week's edition of HBO's Costas Now, which discussed Bonds' alleged steroid use

"As anyone can plainly see, I'm 5-6 1/2 and a strapping 150, and unlike some people, I came by all of it naturally."

-- Costas

"How do YOU know?"

-- Bonds, to the reporter who relayed Costas' retort

Tracking the sports scandals

Considering little of sporting importance is supposed to happen in July, it's a great month for a vacation, which is why nearly everyone except me takes one.

Only this July has turned out like no other. Indictments, drug scandals and humiliated commissioners -- and no, not talking about Barry Bonds. Hell, Barry looks like a Boy Scout compared to Michael Vick and Tim Donaghy, and that's just the top of the list.

Here's a few quick hits of the month nearly passed. With so much foolishness, maybe all of sports should consider taking some time off:

• The irony of the NBA's crooked referee scandal is that the league's critics have been bashing it for years because its players are too bold, too brash and, let's face it, too black for some people's comfort.

And then it's the clean-cut white guy who ruins the whole thing.

• There's no excuse for dog fighting, but why doesn't everyone get even remotely as outraged about all the pro athletes who beat up women? That's practically an every-week crime.

• I all but gave up on cycling some time ago -- great sport, lots of cheating; even Lance Armstrong was implicated yet cleared -- but how does anyone remain a fan when UCI president Pat McQuaid says the following about Tour de Farce leader Michael Rasmussen: "It would be better if somebody else were to win. The last thing this sport needs is more speculation about doping."

Rasmussen was removed from the race Wednesday.

• And why was anyone surprised by Gary Player's claim that some PGA pros are on the juice, too? People cheat in every walk of life -- religion, charity, government, marriage. Why would golfers tempted by millions of dollars be the only honest bunch left out there?

• Then there's the poor NHL, which can't even get a good scandal going.

• I ruefully admit to watching part of one segment of "Who's Now?," the SportsCenter series so ridiculously bad it makes Chris Berman continuing to ruin the home run derby seem reasonable.

Matt Leinart was up against Tiger Woods (I think) and, I swear, one of Leinart's attributes was that he may have hooked up with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. This was cited as a positive. And Mike Wilbon went along with it. I saw this happen. Really.

That's a wretched two minutes of my life I can never do over.

In August -- maybe even before we exit July -- Bonds will break Aaron's home record, Tom Glavine will get his 300th win, and some of the focus will turn to baseball playoffs and the anticipation of football season. It has to get better for the sporting life -- doesn't it?