Sunday Funnies

Ron Paul, Ted Cruz win Texas TP straw poll

Ron Paul won a very listless Texas Tea Party straw poll, with 27.9% of 707 in-person votes cast, conducted today at Houston's Minute Maid Park.

Newt Gingrich was second with 23.8%. Rick Santorum, the choice of the College of Protestant Cardinals meeting today in the Sistine Chapel at a cattle ranch in Brenham, was third at 21.2%. Rick Perry finished just out of the money in 4th place with 19.4%. Presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney was well back of the pack at 6.6% and Jon Huntsman finished next-to-last at 1.1%, ahead of my selection, Buddy Roemer, who had 0.0.

Paul was even more popular with the 3,332 text voters at 54.4%. The rest of the field changed positions somewhat...

Rick Santorum 15.6%
Rick Perry 13.3%
Newt Gingrich 11.9%
Mitt Romney 4.2%
Jon Huntsman 0.5%
“Buddy” Roemer 0.0%

In the US Senate $75-a-head poll, Ted Cruz walloped David Dewhurst 47.8% to 10.3%. Glenn Addison, the crowd favorite from Thursday night's debate, came in second with 19.9% and Craig James fourth with 9.9%. Cruz also did a little better with the texters, getting 49.1% while Dewhurst slipped to fourth with 7.1% behind James and Addison, who received 12.9 and 12.0 respectively.

Lots of good seats remained available throughout the day.

Attendees and phone voters also got to pick their favorite Congress critters and statehouse senators and representatives. Those results are even less interesting than the ones above and can be found here and here (scroll down).

A riveting lineup of speakers kept the hundred or so Aricept-addled TPers transfixed throughout the day. Breitbart warmed 'em up with a little of his usual crap. "Rock Me Like A" Herman Cain brought some books to sell. Dick Armey pimped his PAC. Update: Both men pimped Mitt Romney, to little avail.

The rest of the talkers were there shilling for 2012 votes; even dipwad Jerry Patterson, not listed on the program, was spotted via stream speaking from the dais at one point.

The conservative local media tried as hard as they could to give the event relevance; alas, they failed. Michael Berry and Matt Patrick of KTRH, Sam Malone and Chris Baker of KSEV, Joe Pags of KPRC, Jon-David Wells of KSKY in Dallas, and Natalie Arceneaux of KNTH made a day of it, to the everlasting chagrin of their program directors. Thank goodness they'll all get a comp day for working on the weekend, giving the market a break from their hate.

All in all, a waste of a beautiful day by our local Tea Party contingent. Just what we've come to expect.

Texas Tea Time this weekend (and more minority reports)

The last time our loudest, whitest, most bigoted friends had a get-together it was at the LaMarque dog track to sing the praises of the Pizza Man. This Saturday they're drawing straws to let Rick Perry win something. Or maybe Ron Paul. Big Daddy Cain will be there again.

Former Texas Congressman Dick Armey, former presidential candidate Herman Cain and the Republican candidates hoping to succeed U.S. Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison are among the prominent names scheduled to speak to a weekend gathering of tea partiers at Minute Maid Park.

Sponsored by a coalition of Houston-area tea party groups, the Saddle Up Straw Poll gives attendees the opportunity to express their preferences in the presidential race, congressional races and Texas legislative races. About 1,000 people are expected to attend the two-day event. Voters must have a valid Texas ID.

"The goal is not to steer people towards one candidate or another, or promote only the Texas candidates Perry and Paul, or to promote a 'tea party' candidate, but to host a poll that more likely reflects the actual Republican primary voters," said event spokeswoman Felicia Cravens in a statement on the website Full Metal Patriot.

At least they're no longer pretending to be anything but Republicans. That's a good first step toward self-awareness. Most relevant items needed for this meetup:

Voters must have a valid Texas ID.

...and...

Tickets at the door are $75.

Speaking of Texas Republican Senate candidates:

Major Republican candidates for the U.S. Senate knocked heads Thursday night in a debate that was more lively than the presidential forums that have become a TV mainstay.

Several candidates threw verbal punches at Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst, the frontrunner. The guy in the back in the polls, Magnolia funeral home director Glenn Addison, turned out to be the evening's crowd pleaser, though.

None of the candidates had any immediately apparent campaign-altering gaffes. Most of the jabs were between Dewhurst, Ted Cruz and Tom Leppert, who've been in the race the longest and who were raising significant amounts of money in the last reports. Craig James, the fifth man on stage, got into the race in December — he actually made his formal announcement earlier on the day of the debate — and hasn't yet reported his campaign finances.

Sponsored by Mucous -- because it's cold and flu season, after all -- the race to replace "Texas' most popular politician" is as freaky as you would expect.

James: "I believe in the 2nd Amendment. I've got a pistol and a shotgun between my mattresses." 

A person would certainly need two mattresses if he chose to sleep on a shotgun. More like this...

• Dewhurst opens: Obama trampling on our God-given rights. "I want to go to Washington and cut spending."

• Cruz says he will throw his body in front of a train to stop Obamacare.

• Leppert: A flat tax is an opportunity to expand the base... the tax code has more words than the Holy Bible.

• Addison says he wants to kill the EPA; calls it a "job-killer." Now taking on China and "spineless, wussy senators" who won't react. 

More live-blogging of last night's debate here. Just can't wait for the next one. How about some more stupid and crazy?

Preaching a conservative message is a better way to connect with the growing U.S. Hispanic community than to mention the Republican Party by name, the nation's first Hispanic tea party group president said at an Austin forum on Thursday.

"Whenever the word 'Republican' is used, it was almost like an automatic wall that falls," George Rodriguez, president of the San Antonio Tea Party, said at a conference organized by the conservative Texas Public Policy Foundation. "Yet when we used the word 'conservative,' people were more responsive."

Got that, TeaBags? In order to woo Latinos, don't say 'Republican', say 'conservative'. That's your victory strategy. And don't wear your furry elephant head with the long trunk, wear your white hooded sheet. They'll never recognize you. It's like camoflage.

I wonder if the Tea Party has any plans for Monday? 

Update: There is also a separate straw poll being conducted via text from your cellphone.

In order to help Texans have a voice in the presidential primary process, Saddle Up Texas organizers have created a free text poll to accompany the in-person straw poll at the Saddle Up Texas Straw Poll event this weekend. ...

The poll will also include the same races featured on the ballot for voters at the Saddle Up Texas event. Text options include the U.S. Senate race, U.S. House races, Texas Senate races and Texas House races. Voters will not be charged for voting in the text poll, and will only be allowed to vote using phones with Texas area codes, and may vote only once in each race.

The Saddle Up Texas Straw Poll text option will be available from noon Thursday, January 12th to 2 p.m. Saturday, January 14th. Instructions for voting in the straw poll are available at http://www.saddleuptexaspoll.com/text

I have just cast my ballot. =)

Republicans activate self-destruction sequence

Three-minute version:



28-minute version:



When you have both Newt Gingrich (with a generous assist from his casino billionaire BFF Sheldon Adelson) AND Rick Perry calling Mitt Romney a vulture capitalist, the Republican nominee in 2012 -- be it Romney or "Not" -- is already in quicksand up to his waist.

Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity have both gone on the attack against Governor Oops for using OWS language against the front-runner. Gingrich, in his elegantly duplicitous style, blames Obama for his attacks on Romney. This is the big tent of the GOP collapsing under the weight of its own hypocrisy. An amazing sight, really.

I have mostly been of the mind that that Republicans would start falling in line like they always do, the Not-Romneys re-indoctrinating themselves into a hive mind of Not-Obamas. That, of course, could still happen. Romney's squeaker in Iowa, landslide in New Hampshire, and formidable lead in South Carolina strongly suggest he will be the nominee. But the probability percentage started moving down a week ago as the conservative infighting went public, and as these developments designed to influence Palmetto State voters continue to evolve, the long-term damage is deep and probably mortal. Whomever emerges from this dirigible explosion is simply going to be too wounded to win in November. And the worse it gets for that person, the more likely it is that Obama will coast to re-election -- with the usual conditions of no unforeseen crises (like a war with Iran, for example) or self-inflicted wounds -- and I am more convinced than ever that Ron Paul is going to have a larger say in the matter. Even Jim DeMint thinks so. Paul draws voters from every point on the political spectrum, particularly younger voters and the military. His acolytes see him as the agent of radical change they believe the country is in need of. I still cannot see Dr. No as the GOP nominee but he is Ross Perot-level viable as a third party candidate already.

Frankly though, to me it looks like it's time for party activists with a US Senate election in their state -- or a close contest in the US House -- to start concentrating on those races.