I want the G.I. Jew with the Kung Fu grip

And if I can't have that, then buy me a "Torture Me Elmo".

(Thanks to ITPT commenter Bob Maluga for the inspiring words.)

Byron Nelson, 1912 - 2006

"I don't know very much," Nelson said in a 1997 interview with The Associated Press. "I know a little bit about golf. I know how to make a stew. And I know how to be a decent man."