Sunday Funnies

Another conservative bedrock principle crumbles (or maybe melts)

Under the hot weight of reality.

One major principle of Barack Obama's presidency that his foes love to hate — that government, when it works right, can be best-equipped to aid and protect Americans — is finding fresh currency among some Republicans.

Their doctrine that smaller government is better government is being tested by pressing needs in storm-battered states, security threats that play up the need for a robust defense apparatus and offers for federal funds that are tough to turn down.

[...]

...(U)nmet needs are forcing Republicans to concede more publicly than usual that minimalist government isn't necessarily a one-size-fits-all solution.

To be certain there are legitimate concerns about the overreach of the executive and judicial branches that are serious, troubling, and in dire need of being checked and balanced by the legislative branch. But whatever the incessant wailing about Obamacare, the IRS, bailouts, stimulus spending, etc. blahblahblah may have accomplished outside of the conservative bubble, the argument for austerity collapses with every tornado in Oklahoma, and every hurricane on the Gulf -- or Atlantic -- coast.

Obama walked side by side this week along the Jersey Shore with Republican Gov. Chris Christie, a fiscal conservative who has shown no patience for massive government spending — except when it comes to billions in federal aid for his state after Superstorm Sandy. In fact, it was Christie and other Northeast Republicans who criticized members of their own party for insisting that Federal Emergency Management Agency aid be offset by cuts elsewhere in the federal budget.

[...]

Two days earlier, in a tornado-razed community in Oklahoma, it was Mary Fallin, another Republican governor with a stated distaste for over-the-top government spending, who welcomed Obama and the aid his administration brought to her state. She praised FEMA and Obama, reprising a scene that's played out in other disaster areas when the federal government and its considerable resources have been in high demand.

Meanwhile, in Arizona, GOP Gov. Jan Brewer is going to the mat to force lawmakers in her conservative-leaning state to embrace a dramatic expansion of Medicaid made possible by an infusion of federal dollars under Obama's health care law.

Although she joined other Republican governors in suing the Obama administration over the constitutionality of the president's health care law, she's now told the Republican-controlled Legislature she'll veto every bill they send her until they approve the expansion. She nixed five bills last week — a move that led the state Senate president to accuse her of extortion.

Texas -- much by its own hand -- remains extremely vulnerable to an imminent vagary of the weather. That's obviously different than Rick Perry believing he is immune to electoral fallout from the response to an offer of federal Medicaid funds with a raspberry (and forcing his fellow travelers in the Lege to join him in the buzzing chorus of flapping lips). But when wildfires devastated Texas a couple of years ago, and more recently when the West fertilizer plant blew up, he crammed his snout right into the federal trough. Our governor proves to us again that he doesn't even have the stones of a Tom Coburn or a James Inhofe.

Forget about having as much compassion as Jan Brewer (!!!).

But the macro point is that it becomes increasingly difficult, even ridiculous, to defend the premise of austerity when all around the world there are not just indications but examples of how badly it is failing. It is of course failing the US also; the sequester demonstrates once more the rank hypocrisy of those in Congress who make exceptions for the elite even as regular people suffer.

The administration estimates that the elderly will get 4 million fewer Meals on Wheels this year. The Head Start program has been hurt, with critics saying 70,000 children will be excluded, and one center in Georgia recently shut down. HUD will hand out 125,000 fewer rental assistance vouchers, advocates say.

I don't expect elected Republicans to get it until the people voting for them start to wake up and realize they've been had. And I don't know how long that's going to take. But it's going to happen, incrementally at first and then there will be a sudden shift, like a glacier calving an iceberg. And then a few dozen more, until the entire ice shelf fractures and melts like the cubes in a highball glass.

And a whole bunch of folks will be left with a serious hangover.

In a post-Bachmann world, Texans vie for top GOP moron

Ben Sherman at BOR has already covered this, and Mother Jones decided to enlarge the field by adding a few from outside Deep-In-The-Hearta. But everything -- as everybody knows -- is bigger in Texas. Especially conservative douchebags.

The nominees are...

Rep. Steve Stockman (R-Texas)

Is he crazy? Once caught with 30 mg of Valium in his underwear. Lived in a Fort Worth park for a year with a homeless man he compared to Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Warned that sex ed classes were teaching kids the virtues of bestiality. Started an AR-15 sweepstakes for his constituents. Actual campaign bumper sticker: "If babies had guns they wouldn't be aborted."

Put it in granite: "The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out."

Do people care? Stockman has had no discernible impact on public policy and Democrats have written off his seat—he won his last race by 44 points.

Stockman gets style points for his flamebait on Twitter. Which is something far too smart for our next honoree...

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas)

Is he crazy? Opposed gun control by comparing gay marriage to bestiality. Supported Alaska oil drilling so that caribou would have more sex. Cosponsored a birther bill. Wanted Congress to investigate the threat of Shariah law in America. Sounded alarm about terrorists who "are now being trained to come in and act like Hispanic[s]." Sounded alarm about terrorists who are babies.

Put it in granite: "The attorney general will not cast aspersions on my asparagus."

Do people care? Gohmert represents an overwhelmingly conservative district and is better known for his outrageous statements than his impact on public policy.

Even Charlie Wilson (well, Tom Hanks) famously noted that the people of the Deep East Texas district he represented -- and Gohmert represents now -- "don't want anything" except "their guns" and "low taxes". Short of a massive die-off, we're stuck with Louie for another 25 years, just like we are with Stockman.

We've saved the best for last.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas)

Is he crazy? Believes George Soros masterminded a plot to ban golf and force Americans into "hobbit homes." Said that "Shariah law is an enormous problem" in the United States. Thinks states have the constitutional right to disregard federal law. Bragged that he helped nullify a gay divorce. Thinks Harvard Law School has been overrun by communists.

Put it in granite: "I think President Obama is the most radical president we've ever seen."

Do people care? Called the "next great conservative hope" by the National Review, Cruz may have presidential aspirations. But his Senate obstructionism has annoyed more compromise-minded Republican colleagues, including John McCain, whom Cruz said he doesn't trust.

To quote W, we've hit the trifecta! By my morning line though, Cruz is the favorite... mostly on the strength of his insufferable arrogance. He's also the only one of the three that thinks he's smart enough to run for president and win.

Expect weekly one-upsmanship from this Texas Triumvirate of TeaBagging Tools straight through to November of 2016. The comedians shouldn't mourn the loss of Bachmann for more than a few minutes once they reassess the field.

This one's for you, Greg.

Greg, in the comments in a prior post, thinks it's sexist for me to post a picture of Michele Bachmann fellating an Iowa corndog. (What is it called if I post a picture of Rick Perry doing the same?)

I have reminded G of this several times, so here's another opportunity for me to do so: my bias is against ignorance, wherever it lies.