In a post-Bachmann world, Texans vie for top GOP moron

Ben Sherman at BOR has already covered this, and Mother Jones decided to enlarge the field by adding a few from outside Deep-In-The-Hearta. But everything -- as everybody knows -- is bigger in Texas. Especially conservative douchebags.

The nominees are...

Rep. Steve Stockman (R-Texas)

Is he crazy? Once caught with 30 mg of Valium in his underwear. Lived in a Fort Worth park for a year with a homeless man he compared to Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Warned that sex ed classes were teaching kids the virtues of bestiality. Started an AR-15 sweepstakes for his constituents. Actual campaign bumper sticker: "If babies had guns they wouldn't be aborted."

Put it in granite: "The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out."

Do people care? Stockman has had no discernible impact on public policy and Democrats have written off his seat—he won his last race by 44 points.

Stockman gets style points for his flamebait on Twitter. Which is something far too smart for our next honoree...

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas)

Is he crazy? Opposed gun control by comparing gay marriage to bestiality. Supported Alaska oil drilling so that caribou would have more sex. Cosponsored a birther bill. Wanted Congress to investigate the threat of Shariah law in America. Sounded alarm about terrorists who "are now being trained to come in and act like Hispanic[s]." Sounded alarm about terrorists who are babies.

Put it in granite: "The attorney general will not cast aspersions on my asparagus."

Do people care? Gohmert represents an overwhelmingly conservative district and is better known for his outrageous statements than his impact on public policy.

Even Charlie Wilson (well, Tom Hanks) famously noted that the people of the Deep East Texas district he represented -- and Gohmert represents now -- "don't want anything" except "their guns" and "low taxes". Short of a massive die-off, we're stuck with Louie for another 25 years, just like we are with Stockman.

We've saved the best for last.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas)

Is he crazy? Believes George Soros masterminded a plot to ban golf and force Americans into "hobbit homes." Said that "Shariah law is an enormous problem" in the United States. Thinks states have the constitutional right to disregard federal law. Bragged that he helped nullify a gay divorce. Thinks Harvard Law School has been overrun by communists.

Put it in granite: "I think President Obama is the most radical president we've ever seen."

Do people care? Called the "next great conservative hope" by the National Review, Cruz may have presidential aspirations. But his Senate obstructionism has annoyed more compromise-minded Republican colleagues, including John McCain, whom Cruz said he doesn't trust.

To quote W, we've hit the trifecta! By my morning line though, Cruz is the favorite... mostly on the strength of his insufferable arrogance. He's also the only one of the three that thinks he's smart enough to run for president and win.

Expect weekly one-upsmanship from this Texas Triumvirate of TeaBagging Tools straight through to November of 2016. The comedians shouldn't mourn the loss of Bachmann for more than a few minutes once they reassess the field.

This one's for you, Greg.

Greg, in the comments in a prior post, thinks it's sexist for me to post a picture of Michele Bachmann fellating an Iowa corndog. (What is it called if I post a picture of Rick Perry doing the same?)

I have reminded G of this several times, so here's another opportunity for me to do so: my bias is against ignorance, wherever it lies.

We lose Susan Combs and Bachmann on the same day!?!

Oh happy day.

It is with a deep sense of gratitude for the past, coupled with excitement for the future, that I announce today I will not be seeking elective office in 2014. I want to make my intentions clear as soon as possible for prospective statewide candidates.

We are all so privileged to live in the great state of Texas, and the rest of the country has much to learn from our successes. I have been very fortunate to have served the citizens of this state in elected office for what will be 20 years when my present term as Comptroller ends.

I want to thank blahblahblah...

Honestly, I'm just looking forward now to her next pornographic novel.

Harvey Kronberg smoothly shifts gears right into speculation on her potential replacements -- state Sen. Glenn Hegar, state Rep. Harvey Hildebrand, and Tea Party darling Debra Medina.

Update:

Sen. Glenn Hegar, R-Katy, confirmed he would seek the position. “I plan to run for comptroller,” he said. “It’s an opportunity to talk about the Texas economy and business climate.” He said his business background, as well as his years in the Texas House and Senate, had prepared him to tackle the issues handled by the office...

Ahead of that, Harvey is handicapping the Republican primary for lieutenant governor with a total of four horse faces candidates: incumbent David Dewhurst, and challengers Jerry Patterson (incumbent Land Commissioner), Todd Staples (incumbent Agriculture Commissioner) and state Sen. Dan Patrick.

That's a lot of open statewide seats. Finally.

We were already aware of Patterson's bid  -- his campaign manager is the former "Safety for Dummies" local blogger Chris Elam -- as well the fellow who hopes to replace Patterson in the General Land Office, George P. Bush. Staples' campaign for Lite Guv has been a bit lower-profile despite Nolan Ryan's involvement.

As yet there are no rumors about any Democrats running for any statewide offices. But I'm not as plugged in to Democratic scuttlebutt as I used to be. Democrats failed to field a candidate for comptroller in 2010, which enabled the Green Party of Texas to easily qualify once again for ballot access. The TDP, you may recall, sued to try to keep Greens off the ballot because of GOP machinations in their bid for signature qualification; I wrote extensively about that. (Of course Dems are not beyond doing their damnedest to prevent Texans from voting Green, by hook or by crook.)

It's 2014 already, people. And you thought this year was going by fast...

Bye bye, Michele Batshit

OK then; just cut and run when the going gets a little tough.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) — the tea-party firebrand facing investigations and a daunting reelection race — abruptly announced on Wednesday morning that she will not seek reelection to a fifth term.

Her move marked a spectacular fall for a congresswoman with a bull’s eye on her back every congressional cycle: Less than two years ago, she won the Iowa straw poll and was briefly regarded as a serious contender for the GOP presidential nomination.

Her decision had nothing to do, of course, with the fact that she nearly lost last November in a district that voted for Mitt Romney by a margin of 56-41. Nor did it have anything to do with the federal inquiry into her campaign finance irregularities.

Nope, she just wants to spend more time with her husband Lee Liberace the voices inside her head telling her to file another bill repealing Obamacare.

Sadly, this probably doesn't represent a flip opportunity for Democrats but a door opening for some "reasonable Republican" (sic) to replace her. You just have to hope that the TeaBags don't already have a replacement lined up.

The Weekly Wrangle

The Texas Progressive Alliance hopes their legislators get to go home soon as we bring you this week's roundup.

Off the Kuff doesn't profess to know whether Rick Perry will run for governor again or not, but he does know that Greg Abbott would not be any improvement over him in the governor's mansion.

Williamson County does it again! WCNews at Eye on Williamson posts on the latest outrage from the WCGOP: Religious test for constable applicants in Williamson County .

A Dick decided to run for mayor of Houston. Like THAT's newsworthy. PDiddie at Brains and Eggs decided to blog about it anyway.

Darth Politico is back with some Memorial Day musings about how we treat our veterans and that not all those who die because of war are killed in combat.

Dos Centavos celebrates the death (for now) of the latest Republican attack on the poor-- drug testing for TANF beneficiaries. He does support some sort of test for Lege members.

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And here are some more posts of interest from Texas blogs.

Hair Balls listens to Steve Hotze's anti-Obamacare song so you don't have to.

Brewed And Never Battered thanks everyone who helped pass the craft beer bills this session, while Open The Taps explains what all that craft beer legislation will do for you.

Juanita already has a reason to look forward to 2016.

Sara Inés Calderón offers her perspective on Battleground Texas.

Austin Contrarian reassures his neighbors that Austin isn't as big as the 2010 census may have you believe.

Jason Stanford explains how the Legislature screwed you this time around.

Better Texas Blog laments that the Lege still doesn't account for growth in its budget.

BOR updates us on the redistricting effort in the city of Austin, and Texpatriate applauds the Lilly Ledbetter equal pay bill.

Honor the dead, heal the wounded, stop the wars

On a makeshift stage outside the NATO summit in Chicago, antiwar veterans fold an American flag that flew over NATO operations from Bosnia to Libya and which represents the flag that is “draped over the coffins of thousands of Americans killed in combat and thousands more who have committed suicide after they returned from service." They present the flag to Mary Kirkland, mother of Derrick Kirkland, who joined the military in 2007 and committed suicide in March 2010 after his second tour of duty in Iraq. "I am not ashamed that I have to tell people that my son committed suicide. I am ashamed of the military for failing to give him proper mental health treatment," Kirkland says. The military originally reported that her son was killed in action.

The news at Sine Die

Lawmakers moved to restore cuts made two years ago in public education and health care Sunday by sending a $197 billion, two-year state budget to Gov. Rick Perry, defending it against both those who call it too costly and those who say it shorts state needs.

"We've got to educate our children," said House Appropriations Committee Chairman Jim Pitts, R-Waxahachie, applauding the restoration of some school funding. It was approved 118-29.

Senate Bill 1 is the centerpiece of a spending package hammered out in tough negotiations over how to appropriately fund key state programs, deliver tax relief demanded by Perry, reduce budget gimmickry and create a $2 billion infrastructure fund to address long-neglected state water needs.

Perry could veto bills in the package, and he has the power to kill particular spending items through a line-item veto. Many elements of the package were on his desk or on their way by late Sunday - although Sen. Rodney Ellis, D-Houston, briefly threatened to kill a tax break for businesses with a filibuster, in which he would talk until the deadline passed to consider it. Ellis has pushed for the Legislature to review existing breaks to gauge their value to Texas.

More about my senator's involvement:

A high-profile bill to give a $711 million business-tax break passed at the stroke of midnight Sunday with a House vote of 131-14.

House Bill 500 by Rep. Harvey Hilderbran, R-Kerrville, had been approved by the Senate on Sunday after surviving the brief threat of a filibuster by Sen. Rodney Ellis, D-Houston.

Also...

A conference committee report for a proposal that criminalizes the use of drones for surveillance and permits Texans to document the activities of law enforcement personnel was adopted by both the Texas House and Senate late Sunday.

House Bill 912 carries more than 40 exemptions, including one that permits members of the media to use drones to photograph and record breaking news activity. According to the Federal Aviation Administration, more than 30,000 unmanned aircraft are expected to be in use in the U.S. by 2020. It now heads to the governor’s desk for approval.

One exemption will need further clarification, said the bill’s sponsor, Sen. Craig Estes, R-Wichita Falls, before the Senate approved the measure 26-5: as it’s written now, one exemption states that the ban does not apply to residents who live within 25 miles of the U.S.-Mexico border.

“Our legislative intent was to have law enforcement be able to use drones,” Estes said, and he added that “we don’t want private citizens to be able to use drones at the border, either.”

A call to special session -- as referenced last week -- remains imminent.

As the Legislature's regular 90-day session winds to an end, state lawmakers are girding for Gov. Rick Perry to call a special session that could start as early as Tuesday on congressional and legislative election maps.

Meanwhile, a federal court is putting its gears back in motion to again take up a lawsuit by minority and voting rights groups challenging Republican-drawn redistricting maps passed by the Legislature in 2011. A hearing scheduled for Wednesday in San Antonio will mark the first time the three-judge panel weighs in on the case in about a year. The flurry of action on the state level on redistricting comes as the U.S. Supreme Court is expected to issue a ruling next month on a case involving Section 5 of the federal Voting Rights Act.

Texas Republicans already are coming off a court-issued setback revolving around their 2011 voting maps. A D.C. federal court last August threw out the state GOP's redistricting plans on the basis that they discriminated against minority voters.

It's up to the judges, who had to draw temporary maps as a last-ditch effort to ensure Texans could vote in 2012 primaries, to resolve the fate of Texas' redistricting skirmish.

Before the federal court potentially pens new maps that chip away at a GOP stronghold, Republicans are expected to cement as permanent those provisional maps drawn up in San Antonio during a special session.

And not just redistricting, either; the pet projects of the TeaBags are likely on the docket.

(Lt. Gov. David) Dewhurst told the Star-Telegram’s Dave Montgomery last week that he had asked Gov. Rick Perry to call lawmakers back for another round before they could skip town once the 83rd regular session ends Monday night.

According to Montgomery’s report, Dewhurst wants a full plate of conservative red meat: drug testing for welfare recipients (already done), concealed handguns inside campus buildings (only in locked cars for now), a package of abortion restrictions, political redistricting, school choice and a more restrictive constitutional cap on state spending.

Redistricting is a favor of a kind to Greg Abbott. The rest is a favor to Dewhurst, which the governor may not be willing to grant.

"He (Dewhurst) is not concerned about what Texas values are," state Sen. Wendy Davis (D-Fort Worth) told KVUE. "He's concerned about an extremist right wing agenda that will serve a feather in his cap as he goes forward in a future possible primary election to regain his seat."

Davis argues such an effort would put a damper on a legislative session that has been largely marked by bipartisan cooperation, and worries that Republican leaders are anxious to use the special session to bypass the two-thirds majority required to pass legislation during the regular session.

"I'm very proud of the way Republicans and Democrats have come together this session to reflect the values of people who live in Texas. Lieutenant Governor Dewhurst's actions threaten to poison that as we go into a special session," said Davis. "He's going to spend hundreds of thousands of thousands of taxpayer dollars in a special session for purposes that serve his interests alone."

Dewhurst has at least one and maybe two downballot TeaBaggers drooling for a shot at him.

Dewhurst, who’s held his current office for a decade, is expected to announce re-election plans shortly after the regular session ends. But he’s almost certain to face challenges from Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson and Agriculture Commissioner Todd Staples, both Republicans with solid conservative credentials.

Uh huh. Back to that "do-me-a-solid" business.

The Austin American-Statesman’s Jonathan Tilove wrote on the “First Reading” blog that “the operative question” is whether Perry sees the special session Dewhurst wants as helping the governor should he run again or try another bid for president, and “how much he wants to do Dewhurst a [favor] by calling a session that would help burnish his conservative credentials.”

So much for the greater public good.

Much more of interest in that Statesman link. And Paul Burka piles on the lieutenant governor. Winners and losers to be revealed later today... or maybe tomorrow, depending on how late they go.

Update: It's worth mentioning that 64 House representatives sent a letter to the governor asking for four anti-choice pieces of legislation to be added to any special session call. And Eye on Williamson has some good links as well.