More Sunday Funnies (because the fun just didn't stop this week)

Presidential polyps identified (not removed)

The five polyps identified during yesterday's presidential colonoscopy have been named Roberts, Alito, Scalia, Thomas and Kennedy, because of their strict constructionist influence upon the president's daily constitutional.

Asked if he saw the need to address the potentially cancerous effects of the conservative tumor now threatening the health of the United States Constitution, Bush said: "I have the same answer to that question I would have if somebody asked me whether my colonoscopy revealed to me the need for a government plan to insure that all Americans have access to health care: 'Get real, the only person's ass I have ever cared about is my own.' "

Sunday Funnies (al-Qaida edition)

Sunday Funnies (early edition)

Story related to above: Sen. David Vitter of Louisiana allegedly asked the prostitutes he procured to swaddle him in diapers.

Rick Noriega for US Senate. Today.

You can hear the man speak in Houston today at the gathering of West Houston Democrats, beginning a little early for some of you at 9:45 a.m. at the Tracy Gee Community Center located at 3599 Westcenter Drive (one block east of Beltway 8 between Richmond & Westpark).

This is also your reminder that you can change the equation by making a donation of any amount to Noriega's campaign, making a little history as one of the Great 800.

Weekend entertainment and sports postpourri

Bud Selig joined the crowd that came out to see Barry Bonds. All the commissioner saw was a long fly and an 0-for-4.

Bonds went hitless and stayed put at 753 home runs in the San Francisco Giants' 8-4 victory over the Milwaukee Brewers on Friday night, moving no closer to the record 755 held by Selig's good friend, Hank Aaron.

Bonds started the series opener in the city where Hammerin' Hank began and ended his career — and on the 31st anniversary of Aaron's final home run, no less. He hit No. 755 on July 20, 1976, at now-demolished County Stadium.

It would have been fitting to see Baroids tie or break the record in the same city as Aaron, on the same night 31 years later, but alas. Maybe today or tomorrow. Soon enough for sure.

Mark me as neither a Bonds fan nor a hater. Big Head Barry cheated, but so did McGuire, Sosa, Canseco, Palmeiro, et. al. My opinion is that if MLB so despised steroid use then they could have taken action in the last century. But baseball needed big hitters breaking records in the '90's as it struggled to recover from the debilitating players' strike and cancellation of the World Series in 1994.

But back then I thought Ken Griffey Jr. was going to be the greater player of the two, so what do I know?

Because his name is Steve Francis, he's the most intriguing of all the moves (new Rockets GM Daryl) Morey has made in his remarkable offseason. Morey probably can't comprehend that part of the story. He simply can't know how invested fans were in believing Francis and Cuttino Mobley would be part of a third championship.

Francis eventually came to symbolize an organization's failures rather than its successes. Yet his failings were those of a spoiled kid. They were never malicious. So he skipped a flight to see a Super Bowl.

Big deal. Check this week's headlines. Skipping a flight seems almost irrelevant.

Good analysis here by RJ, and it applies to Bonds as well. Neither Barry nor Stevie Not-The-Franchise are firing their guns in titty bar parking lots at 3 a.m. or raising and gambling on pit bulls to kill and maim each other. Selfishness -- even narcissim and self-abuse, for that matter -- is one thing, and commission of actual crimes quite another.

Steve Francis might be very good for the Rockets next year, or he might not.

Have you seen SiCKO yet? Get thee to a cinema this weekend. Michael Moore's got a pretty good deal for you if you do:

And, to show my thanks to all of you who'll go see SiCKO this weekend, I'm going to send one of you and a guest on a free weekend to the universal health care country of your choice! That's right. You'll get to pick one of the three industrialized countries featured in the movie where, if you get sick, you get help for free, no matter who you are. All you have to do is send us your ticket stub (make sure it says SiCKO on it and has the name of the theater and this weekend's date on it -- Friday, Saturday or Sunday - July 20th, 21st, 22nd). Attach the stub to a piece of paper with your name, address, phone number and email and send it to: 'Sicko' Night in America, 888c 8th Avenue, Suite 443, New York, NY 10019. (Yes, you have to use that old 18th century device called the U.S. Postal Service, and it has to be postmarked on or by Tuesday, July 24th). First prize is a weekend in the city of your choice: Paris, London or Toronto. This includes airfare, hotel, meals and, most exciting, a representative from their fine universal health care system who will give you a personal tour so you can see how they treat their fellow citizens. You'll meet people who pay nothing for college and citizens who are in the fourth week of their six-week paid vacation. Oh, and you'll have time to see the Eiffel Tower, Big Ben or whatever they have in Toronto that is old and tall. (If you don't have a passport, we'll pay for that, too!)

I have seen the film twice now, and it makes me nauseous and angry at the same time. It just amplifies my pre-existing queasiness that George Bush's America isn't the country that I grew up in, that my Cuban in-laws emigrated to, that is worthy of being called the greatest nation on Earth.

Our leaders are failing us, and if we don't reverse the trend, then this grand experiment of democracy now 231 years old will end shortly (if it hasn't already). The patient is certainly in critical condition, and might already be brain-dead.

But as that pathetic neoconservative Dennis Miller would say at this point: "Fuck it, who wants pie"?

Right?

The 18th

A few of the names I can remember without Googling: Sam Houston. "Pappy" O'Daniel. Lyndon Johnson. Price Daniel. Ralph Yarborough. Lloyd Bentsen.

John Tower. Phil Gramm. The current occupants, Senator Perjury Technicality and Senator Box Turtle.

Dave McNeely, whose columns appear syndicated throughout the state, has more. Excerpted in full; emphasis mine:

If you sit around wondering how many Texans have sat in the United States Senate in the 91 years since senators began being selected by popular elections in 1916, the answer is 17. State Rep. Rick Noriega, D-Houston, in the 2008 election would like to be chosen as the 18th.

Jabbing at the Republican incumbent, U.S. Sen. John Cornyn, as a "cheerleader" for the administration of President George W. Bush "for a variety of failed policies," Noriega said a change in representation is necessary to bring a change in direction.

"A lot of the problem we see today is (that) stubbornness is not a foreign policy," Noriega said.

Noriega, a sturdy 49-year-old legislator who has worked in educational administration, on Monday announced formation of an exploratory committee at a press conference on the state capitol's front lawn.

Noriega, with buzz-cut hair and an erect military bearing, chose a backdrop of the memorial to those who died at the Alamo, to underline his 26 years in the armed services, including a stint in Afghanistan with the Texas Army National Guard.

"Growing up in Houston, my family taught me the importance of serving my community," Noriega said in a prepared statement. "I've been privileged to serve this country as a soldier, my state as an elected representative, and Houston as a community leader focused on education. The call to service has been a big part of my life, and I am taking the next step in answering that call."

"Standing in the shadows of this monument, I'm reminded of our state's great tradition and our duty to speak out when things have gone off the rails," Noriega said. "Today, our nation is headed in the wrong direction, led by those whose choice is to divide Americans to maintain power.

"They ignore the will of the people about the war in Iraq. They ignore the needs of the people for health care, college education, and a better standard of living. They ignore the lessons of our history: that America's strength lies in our unity and diversity.

"John Cornyn represents the worst of these trends," Noriega said. "And it's time for him to go."

Noriega rose to lieutenant colonel while training Afghan troops. Asked what he would do about the war in Iraq, Noriega said he would follow the withdrawal timetable laid out by the bi-partisan Iraq Study Group, co-chaired by former President Bush's Secretary of State, James Baker.

Noriega's wife Melissa, who sat in for him in the Texas House of Representatives while he was in Afghanistan, was elected June 16 to the Houston City Council. After he returned, Noriega was tapped to run a National Guard border security operation, and then by Houston Mayor Bill White to coordinate relief for refugees from Hurricane Katrina who fled to Houston.

Though Noriega took aim in his press conference at Cornyn, his first major hurdle is Democrat Mikal Watts, a wealthy plaintiff's attorney from Corpus Christi and San Antonio. Watts, 39, has already donated and loaned millions of dollars to his campaign. By keeping his campaign war chest abreast of the Republican's, Watts hopes to demonstrate that he can go toe to toe on television advertising.

Noriega, who is not personally wealthy, obviously hopes his Hispanic surname will help offset Watts' dollars. Hispanics lean Democratic, and can account for between a third and half the vote in a Democratic primary.

The Alamo memorial also was undoubtedly chosen to help soften any negatives Noriega's surname may have for non-Hispanics. During times of battles over immigration, and talk of a fence along the Texas-Mexico border, the memorial serves as a reminder that during Texas's war with Mexico, Hispanic Texans as well as Anglos fought and died at the Alamo.

Asked what impact his surname might have on the contest, Noriega said "I'll let the voters decide that. I'm an American."

Cornyn told reporters he'll wait to see who Democrats select as their nominee before responding to attacks.

Noriega's exploratory committee is chaired by Paul Hobby of Houston, who was the Democratic Party's near-miss candidate in 1998 for state comptroller, and son of Bill Hobby, the former longtime Democratic lieutenant governor.

Noriega "is a rare mix of passion, competence and integrity," said Paul Hobby, who said he'd known Noriega for years. "Rick can and should win. I want to turn on CNN and see him representing Texas in the United States Senate. Rick is competent and practical; he is not slick or partisan. That is what we need right now -- credible leadership."