In a post-Bachmann world, Texans vie for top GOP moron

Ben Sherman at BOR has already covered this, and Mother Jones decided to enlarge the field by adding a few from outside Deep-In-The-Hearta. But everything -- as everybody knows -- is bigger in Texas. Especially conservative douchebags.

The nominees are...

Rep. Steve Stockman (R-Texas)

Is he crazy? Once caught with 30 mg of Valium in his underwear. Lived in a Fort Worth park for a year with a homeless man he compared to Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Warned that sex ed classes were teaching kids the virtues of bestiality. Started an AR-15 sweepstakes for his constituents. Actual campaign bumper sticker: "If babies had guns they wouldn't be aborted."

Put it in granite: "The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out."

Do people care? Stockman has had no discernible impact on public policy and Democrats have written off his seat—he won his last race by 44 points.

Stockman gets style points for his flamebait on Twitter. Which is something far too smart for our next honoree...

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas)

Is he crazy? Opposed gun control by comparing gay marriage to bestiality. Supported Alaska oil drilling so that caribou would have more sex. Cosponsored a birther bill. Wanted Congress to investigate the threat of Shariah law in America. Sounded alarm about terrorists who "are now being trained to come in and act like Hispanic[s]." Sounded alarm about terrorists who are babies.

Put it in granite: "The attorney general will not cast aspersions on my asparagus."

Do people care? Gohmert represents an overwhelmingly conservative district and is better known for his outrageous statements than his impact on public policy.

Even Charlie Wilson (well, Tom Hanks) famously noted that the people of the Deep East Texas district he represented -- and Gohmert represents now -- "don't want anything" except "their guns" and "low taxes". Short of a massive die-off, we're stuck with Louie for another 25 years, just like we are with Stockman.

We've saved the best for last.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas)

Is he crazy? Believes George Soros masterminded a plot to ban golf and force Americans into "hobbit homes." Said that "Shariah law is an enormous problem" in the United States. Thinks states have the constitutional right to disregard federal law. Bragged that he helped nullify a gay divorce. Thinks Harvard Law School has been overrun by communists.

Put it in granite: "I think President Obama is the most radical president we've ever seen."

Do people care? Called the "next great conservative hope" by the National Review, Cruz may have presidential aspirations. But his Senate obstructionism has annoyed more compromise-minded Republican colleagues, including John McCain, whom Cruz said he doesn't trust.

To quote W, we've hit the trifecta! By my morning line though, Cruz is the favorite... mostly on the strength of his insufferable arrogance. He's also the only one of the three that thinks he's smart enough to run for president and win.

Expect weekly one-upsmanship from this Texas Triumvirate of TeaBagging Tools straight through to November of 2016. The comedians shouldn't mourn the loss of Bachmann for more than a few minutes once they reassess the field.

This one's for you, Greg.

Greg, in the comments in a prior post, thinks it's sexist for me to post a picture of Michele Bachmann fellating an Iowa corndog. (What is it called if I post a picture of Rick Perry doing the same?)

I have reminded G of this several times, so here's another opportunity for me to do so: my bias is against ignorance, wherever it lies.

We lose Susan Combs and Bachmann on the same day!?!

Oh happy day.

It is with a deep sense of gratitude for the past, coupled with excitement for the future, that I announce today I will not be seeking elective office in 2014. I want to make my intentions clear as soon as possible for prospective statewide candidates.

We are all so privileged to live in the great state of Texas, and the rest of the country has much to learn from our successes. I have been very fortunate to have served the citizens of this state in elected office for what will be 20 years when my present term as Comptroller ends.

I want to thank blahblahblah...

Honestly, I'm just looking forward now to her next pornographic novel.

Harvey Kronberg smoothly shifts gears right into speculation on her potential replacements -- state Sen. Glenn Hegar, state Rep. Harvey Hildebrand, and Tea Party darling Debra Medina.

Update:

Sen. Glenn Hegar, R-Katy, confirmed he would seek the position. “I plan to run for comptroller,” he said. “It’s an opportunity to talk about the Texas economy and business climate.” He said his business background, as well as his years in the Texas House and Senate, had prepared him to tackle the issues handled by the office...

Ahead of that, Harvey is handicapping the Republican primary for lieutenant governor with a total of four horse faces candidates: incumbent David Dewhurst, and challengers Jerry Patterson (incumbent Land Commissioner), Todd Staples (incumbent Agriculture Commissioner) and state Sen. Dan Patrick.

That's a lot of open statewide seats. Finally.

We were already aware of Patterson's bid  -- his campaign manager is the former "Safety for Dummies" local blogger Chris Elam -- as well the fellow who hopes to replace Patterson in the General Land Office, George P. Bush. Staples' campaign for Lite Guv has been a bit lower-profile despite Nolan Ryan's involvement.

As yet there are no rumors about any Democrats running for any statewide offices. But I'm not as plugged in to Democratic scuttlebutt as I used to be. Democrats failed to field a candidate for comptroller in 2010, which enabled the Green Party of Texas to easily qualify once again for ballot access. The TDP, you may recall, sued to try to keep Greens off the ballot because of GOP machinations in their bid for signature qualification; I wrote extensively about that. (Of course Dems are not beyond doing their damnedest to prevent Texans from voting Green, by hook or by crook.)

It's 2014 already, people. And you thought this year was going by fast...

Bye bye, Michele Batshit

OK then; just cut and run when the going gets a little tough.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) — the tea-party firebrand facing investigations and a daunting reelection race — abruptly announced on Wednesday morning that she will not seek reelection to a fifth term.

Her move marked a spectacular fall for a congresswoman with a bull’s eye on her back every congressional cycle: Less than two years ago, she won the Iowa straw poll and was briefly regarded as a serious contender for the GOP presidential nomination.

Her decision had nothing to do, of course, with the fact that she nearly lost last November in a district that voted for Mitt Romney by a margin of 56-41. Nor did it have anything to do with the federal inquiry into her campaign finance irregularities.

Nope, she just wants to spend more time with her husband Lee Liberace the voices inside her head telling her to file another bill repealing Obamacare.

Sadly, this probably doesn't represent a flip opportunity for Democrats but a door opening for some "reasonable Republican" (sic) to replace her. You just have to hope that the TeaBags don't already have a replacement lined up.