More Sunday Funnies

Sunday Funnies

A Cuban missle crisis in Dallas

(There's been too much nasty talk around here lately, so here's an NBA post.)

Kenny Smith, the former Houston Rocket, expounds on Association expansion:

While on the NBA Europe Live Tour, which featured NBA teams playing in Turkey, Italy, Spain and England, I pondered this question: Is it possible for the league to have teams that reside in Europe?

I've talked to commissioner David Stern on several occasions about this subject, and he contends that due to scheduling, logistical nightmares and time-zone changes, it is out of the question at this time. He also told me that the All-Star game would be too difficult to have in Europe because of the same reasons at this time. He always ends such statements with "at this time." (There's the hint.)

Do I think it's possible? Yes. There are a lot of variables, but if planned correctly, European expansion could and should happen.

I used to be one of those purists that thought basketball is our game and that European players are inferior. Am I right? Who cares? The real truth came from Bill Russell when I was complaining about foreign players and their inclusion. He said, as an African-American, I never should complain about inclusion. So I'm all for adding teams from overseas.

I agree that scheduling would be a huge problem. For example, if there were a team in Spain, it would have approximately an eight-hour flight to the United States. Then when it got here, it would have to deal with the time zone change, a seven-hour difference if it played on the West Coast. How could you give the team fair time to adjust?

The solution is simple: Add approximately six new franchises at once.

They would make up the new Euro Division, with teams based in Italy, Spain, France, England and Greece. Clubs from North America would have to spend two weeks of the regular season in Europe before the All-Star game and again after the All-Star game. To further accommodate this expansion across the Atlantic Ocean, the NBA would have to shorten the schedule to 70 games. (I feel it's worth shortening the season to add the global market to the league!)

I know the next comment from my former NBA purist brothers is: "The NBA is already watered down in talent. These new teams would dilute the league even more!" Do I really have to bring up the Olympics or world championships? Or the fact that American dominance is over?

We have seen Spain, Greece and other countries fare extremely well against our so-called best. The world has caught up. (OK, there – I said it!)

Growing up in New York City, this reminds me of the time when all of the hot rappers came from New York – Big Daddy Kane, KRS-One, Run-D.M.C., etc. Then someone realized that, damn, they're rapping in Cali, too, with N.W.A. and Ice-T. Even Coolio ain't half-bad. (OK, I'm overdoing it.) Then came the Dirty South with Outkast and Dungeon Family. Then the Midwest popped off with Bone Thugs and Common … you get my drift?

There is talent out there, and it's creeping into the NBA instead of making a splash all at once. Don't sleep! Do you really think a team featuring Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili and Dirk Nowitzki couldn't contend? Hell, the past two MVPs came from Canada and Germany. Yao Ming could be next.

So, come on – expand your mind and be global. The commissioner is. And trust me, you will be wearing that Team Italia fitted and the Greece throwback one day. Count on it.

And in the run-up to the beginning of the NBA regular season, a few choice comments from my Rotisserrie tip sheet, Rotoworld:

The Mavs have their own version of the 'Cuban Missile Crisis' going on as they try to prove that they are not soft. Howard's forearm to the back of Brad Miller's head and the fact that Jerry Stackhouse (who has never walked away from a fight) is starting are good examples of changes the team is making in an effort to send the message. If Mark Cuban was on a deserted island, locked in a house with 12 strangers or trekking across the world in a race with his ex-roommate, he might gain a little more street cred than he's getting with the dance thing.

The New York Post reports "the Knicks are monitoring the Kobe Bryant soap opera, but indications are they will not place Eddy Curry in any trade, making a deal near impossible."

Knicks fans' suffering does not look to be ending any time soon. This report seems merely speculative, but if it is true it belongs in Ripley's Believe-It-or-Not.

Sacramento Kings reserve center Justin Williams has been accused by a Sacramento woman of sexual assault, a source told The Bee on Thursday, and the reserve big man has been given an indefinite leave of absence from the team as the investigation continues. The woman told police last week that she met Williams and another woman at a party and went with the couple to Williams' home. The woman said she did not drink before arriving at Williams' home and felt woozy after having a drink at the house. According to the source, who asked to not be identified because the investigation is ongoing, Williams and the other woman tried to have sex with the alleged victim in Williams' bedroom.

Update: The lawyer for Justin Williams, accused of sexual assault, says the sex his client and girlfriend had with a Sacramento woman was consensual:

"The truth is nothing happened that night that was not consensual, and we have proof of it," William J. Portanova said. "While some people may find it distasteful to think about it, it's a reality of 21st-century life." Police searched Williams' house on Wednesday and discovered evidence, but spokespeople for the police refused to say what was found.

Crap. More sex talk on this blog.

Putin: "Political Eroticism"

Moneyshot Quotes of the Week, first from Vladimir Putin. Excerpted for context:

Russian President Vladimir Putin said today that the US war in Iraq was a "pointless" battle against the Iraqi people.

"One can wipe off a political map some tyrannical regime . . . but it's absolutely pointless to fight with a people," Mr Putin said on television.

"It is strong enough to protect its interests within the national territory and, by the way, in other regions of the world.

"Thank God Russia is not Iraq," Mr Putin added.

When asked about supposed US intentions to gain control over Russia's huge, resource-rich interior, Mr Putin said: "I know that such ideas are brewing in the heads of some politicians. I think it is a sort of political eroticism which maybe gives someone pleasure but will hardly lead anywhere and the best example of that is Iraq."

More on the theory that war is sexual hell from George Carlin, going back a few decades:

I also look at war itself a little differently from most. I see it largely as an exercise in dick-waving. That's really all it is: a lot of men standing around in a field waving their dicks at one another. Men, insecure about the size of their penises, choose to kill one another.

That's also what all that moron athlete bullshit is all about, and what that macho, male posturing and strutting around in bars and locker rooms represents. It's called 'dick fear.' Men are terrified that their dicks are inadequate, and so they have to 'compete' in order to feel better about themselves. And since war is the ultimate competition, essentially men are killing one another in order to improve their genital self-esteem.

You needn't be a historian or a political scientist to see the Bigger Dick Foreign Policy Theory at work. It goes like this: 'What? They have bigger dicks? Bomb them!' And of course, the bombs, the rockets, and the bullets are all shaped like penises. Phallic weapons. There's an unconscious need to project the national penis into the affairs of others. It's called 'fucking with people'.

Broke Brownback quits

Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback is preparing today to abandon his bid for the GOP presidential nomination, after struggling financially and falling flat in a key test among Iowa Republicans.

Brownback was expected to announce his withdrawal Friday in Topeka, Kan., where he announced his long-shot bid in January. He spent part of today calling supporters to share his decision.

The Christian conservatives, lately in the news for their whining, bitching, pissing and moaning about Giuliani and the other front-walking candidates, just lost their best hope. Sen. Bareback was the most virulent homophobe of the whole lousy lot:

The 50-year-old, two-term senator was a favorite among social conservatives, who appreciated Brownback's firm stance against abortion and same-sex marriage. But even admirers gave him little chance against better known rivals, such as former New York City Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani and candidates with far more money, such as former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney.

But it was really all about the Benjamins:

Brownback's biggest problem, however, was a lack of money.

In the most recent campaign finance reports, released earlier this week, Brownback reported a mere $94,000 cash on hand, far less than any of his opponents. In all, he raised just less than $4 million, compared with $62 million for Romney and $47 million for Giuliani.

In a gamble, Brownback spent heavily to compete in an August Republican straw poll, hoping a strong showing would vault him into serious contention in the state that will vote first in 2008. But he finished a disappointing third behind Romney and Huckabee, and his campaign never recovered. A Des Moines Register Poll earlier this month showed Brownback with just 2% support; Romney led the survey with the backing of 29% of likely Republican caucus-goers.

Farewell, Senator Brokeback. Don't let the door hitcha where the Good Lord splitcha.

One Republican's sophistry on SCHIP

Behold the asshattery of Rep. Steve King (R-Douchesack, Iowa).

Everyone knows, of course, that Bush's SCHIP veto was sustained today by King, 150 other Republicans and two Democrats not to stop the nation's inexorable slide toward "socialized medicine" but because that money would pay for almost three whole months of military operations in Iraq.

And that's much more important than a bunch of poor sick kids.

Cleland v. Rove, 10/26

Let the following serve as a lesson to organizers of the current snoozers that somehow pass for presidential debates:

First, take a controversial learning institution. Say, Regents University in Virginia, founded by evangelical politician and broadcaster Pat Robertson.

Pick two pairs of debaters. Put former U.S. senator Max Cleland and retired Army general Barry McCaffery on one side. Set up ex-White House guru Karl Rove and former Florida governor Jeb Bush opposite them.

Toss in a question: “Should America bring democracy to the world?”

Then let the feathers fly, leaving the preservation of civilization to a single moderator, PBS journalist Charlie Rose.

This will happen on Oct. 26. Witnesses will be charged $40. Splatter sheets will be provided to occupants of the first three rows.

So far as we know, this will be the first time Rove and Cleland have met. Many supporters of Cleland believe that Rove — during Cleland’s unsuccessful re-election campaign — was behind the TV ad that paired the triple-amputeed, Vietnam veteran with an image of Osama bin Laden.

Rove was asked about it as he exited the White House last month. “We’ve got better things to do than write television ads in Senate campaigns in Georgia,” President Bush’s brain said.

So ... who will you be rooting for?

Nine-Eleven-MoFo '08

Did you catch it live this morning on FOX and Friends?

I'm now convinced that Rude-y is going to be the nominee. Not because Governor 39% has jumped on his scooter fire engine bandwagon, but because the esteemed Jeffrey Feldman says so. The Right, you see, is a lot like teenagers on a Friday night date: they like to be frightened. And just like Bush before him, they like guys who talk tough with no history of ever backing it up. They especially like men who are a little wimpy, a little soft. They really like men who are gay-friendly-just-not-publicly that talk real, real tough.

The Right likes the fact that Rudy will bomb Iran, so they will overlook his three marriages and his cross-dressing, his mobbed-up pals like Bernie Kerik, and his exceptionally rude, selfish behavior. Rick Perry fits right in, you see.

The Log Cabins will be thrilled with a Giuliani-Perry ticket. One man loves gays, the other man IS gay ...

Not Mitt's money, not Frederick of Hollywood's hard-working ethic, and not poor John McCain's pandering to the Christian conservatives is going to stop Rudy. For the record I'd like to be as wrong about this as I would Hillary killing us in Texas, too. Any of the other GOP front-runners would be much easier to defeat.

On the downside -- and on the horrid thought that the nation would actually send the GOP back to the White House -- Texas will have once again exported its sorriest Republican to Washington. David Dewhurst moves up to first-string. A scrum breaks out for the second chair: Greg Abbott runs to the head of the pack.

Make that 'rolls'.

And Rick Perry would inherit all of the assumed authority that Dick Cheney spent eight years amassing. Ponder THAT.

B.A.D.* for the Environment

In honor of Blog Action Day*, here's the video of Friends of Earth Action and their endorsement of John Edwards for president:

The Weekly Wrangle

Time once again for the Texas Progressive Alliance Blog Round-Up. As always, the posts are wrangled by Vince from Capitol Annex.

Rep. Barney Frank responds to GLBT activists: "Now this is the issue: does a political party say to its most militant, committed, ideologically driven believers in purity that they have a veto over what the party does?" Evan at The Caucus Blog responds.

BossKitty at Bluebloggin asks why are so many Texans still illiterate?

The Texas Cloverleaf endorses Karen Guerra for 16th District Court Judge in Denton County.

Burnt Orange Report highlights the hard work being done across the nation: a broad coalition has launched a campaign to override President Bush's SCHIP veto, and Kay Granger is public enemy number 1 in Texas. Ads, analysis, polls, and outrage... BOR has it all.

North Texas Liberal asks, "Could Congress override Bush's veto?" Speaker Pelosi and Sen. Kennedy seem to think that SCHIP is worth fighting for. So do we.

Vince from Capitol Annex notes that Kay Granger should have known better when it comes to her recent "no" vote on the reauthorization and expansion of SCHIP.

Gary at Easter Lemming Liberal News cannot stop writing about conservative bloggers repeatedly attacking a family who were in a terrible automobile accident and received government health care and liked it: Maybe next time your kids are in the hospitable you'll be attacked by right-wing idiots, and more slime in the right-wing noise machine.

McBlogger has a story up about a state representative you should know.

A supervisor for CPS Energy in San Antonio has a hangman's noose displayed in his cubicle. PDiddie at Brains and Eggs posts the details, including a photo. Update: A press conference is scheduled for this morning.

Muse notes that Kay Bailey Hutchinson is trying out harder helmet hair styles so that the words of mean bloggers will bounce right off her in her imaginary (or not) run for governor in 2010.

Warning from TXsharon: Calibrate your outrage meter before visiting Bluedaze to read how Bush policies have weakened the Clean Water Act so much that Texas water is no longer fit for drinking, swimming or fishing.

CouldBeTrue from South Texas Chisme notes that presidential candidate Tom Tancredo wants to build that d*mn fence north of Brownsville. Either you're with the fence or he'll move the boundaries so your town's part of Mexico.

Unsurprised at Al Gore's Nobel Peace Prize, nor at his acceptance speech, Hal at Half Empty surprises everyone with the Moonwalking Mannequin Bird.

Rattlebrain Randy prefers a little bit of disaster -- sure, it may hurt his constituents but it helps his friends in the insurance industry, notes Blue 19th.

At Texas Kaos, diarist persiancowboy invites members of the general public to sign on to the complaint against rogue judge Sharon Keller for her callous use of judicial power.

Off the Kuff reports that state Rep. Garnet Coleman is urging AG Greg Abbott to sue to block a recent Center for Medicaid and State Operations directive that will result in the loss of CHIP coverage for thousands of children.

Stop Cornyn is fuming about Cornyn's vote against children. After voting against Texas children twice, now Junior John wants a watered-down version to save face. It is time to fully fund children's health insurance.