I suddenly feel the need for some humor.

How about you? Thanks to the clever Bill in Portland Maine for assembling the late-night comics' comments:

"President Bush announced that the federal deficit is actually $296 billion less than originally forecast. The president credits low unemployment, high job growth, and the fact that he did the math himself."
-- Conan O'Brien

"Any online gamblers here? Well, Congress is looking in shutting that down. There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they're going to shut it down. And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korean thing."
-- David Letterman

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was in Afghanistan today where he promised to defeat the Taliban. Didn't we do that already? He's also sworn we will soon capture Saddam Hussein."
-- Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush told People magazine this week that he's working on a solution for global warming. He says it will be ready in less than six months. It's called winter."
-- Jay Leno

"Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, Judicial and Executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are."
-- Stephen Colbert

"The security of the world is threatened by Kim Jong-Il, a nerdy pompadour, platform shoe wearer who looks like something you would put on the end of your child's pencil."
-- Jon Stewart

And this segment would not be complete without Bill's NYT Bestseller List of the Future ...

1. THE BIBLE, by God with The Holy Spirit. (United States Government Printing Office, free; mandatory). The Word of God, quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. With a new foreword by Jim Belushi.

2. A MILLION AND ONE LITTLE PIECES, by James Frey. (Random House, $43.95.) A memoir by the Viceroy of Iraq about his hardscrabble childhood that made him tough enough to quell the civil war in Iraq and divide it into a million and one self-governing "cantons."

3. THE DARK LITTLE BOY AND THE IPOD, by Thomas L. Friedman. (Farrar, Strauss & Giroux, $47.95.) A columnist for the New York Times explains the connection between solving world conflict and a third-world boy by owning an iPod Shuffle.

6. HARRY POTTER AND THE CROSS OF NAZARETH, by J.K. Rowling (Scholastic, Inc., $34.95.) A young wizard realizes sorcery is evil, accepts Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior, and marries a young woman named Hermione, who wisely chose to abstain from sexual intercourse until marriage.

9. MY TOP STORY---AND MY BOTTOM STORY, by James D. Guckert (Random House, $39.95.) A memoir by Jeff Gannon, the 20-year veteran anchor of the CBS Evening News.

13. HAMMER TIME!, by Tom DeLay (Putnam, $48.95.) A former House majority leader of the Republican party recounts his time in prison, his conversion to Islam, and his later success on the PGA senior tour.

... and the explanation for Senator Ted Stevens of how the Internet really works:

The Internets is a series of gerbils, one gerbil for each "user." When you "send" a "message" (or, in Stevens-speak, "an internet"), the gerbil takes it down shorthand and scurries through a series of tubes to its destination. The gerbil uploads the message to the inbox (short for "Internets Box") and then presses the velvet-covered doorbell button. The receiver---say, Senator Stevens---may then safely peruse the porn ad. (Tomorrow we'll explain "SpamGuard"-- we don't want to overwhelm him.)

Sometimes gerbils will stop to have wild gangbang gerbil sex along the way, which can result in delayed internet delivery. Twice a year the telecom companies clean the tubes by flushing them with water and a mild detergent, which also results in slight delays. But mostly the Internets operate smoothly, allowing for an uninterrupted flow of bogus information from the likes of Senator Stevens and Mike McCurry on net neutrality.

Is abortion murder? Texas AG asked for legal opinion

Here comes our right-wing battle cry for November, folks. The bold emphasis is mine:

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott has been asked to rule whether laws passed in 2003 and 2005 could subject doctors to capital murder charges for performing late-term abortions or abortions on minors without their parents' consent.

State Affairs Chairman David Swinford, R-Amarillo, asked for the opinion, citing an analysis by a state prosecutors group that said murder prosecutions of doctors could be an "unintended consequence" of the law changes it made.

Swinford said he disagrees with the interpretation by the Texas District and County Attorneys Association because there is no evidence that the Legislature intended such a result from changes it made to the law governing doctors' conduct last year. ...

Shannon Edmonds, director of governmental relations for the prosecutors' group, believes a doctor could be charged with capital murder for performing a restricted abortion. He said, however, that he has heard of no such prosecutions.

Edmonds discovered the problem when he was looking at new criminal offenses enacted during the 2005 regular session.

"We started connecting the dots and that's where we ended up," said Edmonds.

Go read the entire thing. And get ready for battle, because Greg Abbott is just as beholden to the religious fundamentalists as he is to the corporations, and he desperately needs the Jesus Freaks and John Birchers to turn out and vote for him in order to save his job.

This BS has national implications for women's reproductive freedoms as well. Let's nip this in the bud, right quick.

Update: Charles Kuffner and Vince Leibowitz -- as always -- have more, and better. The Dallas News has a better explanation of the laws passed in 2003 and 2005. And Charles, via Vince, has background on the TCDAA's confusion over the issue.

Update II: And don't miss the new blog detailing the malaprops of our ridiculous state Attorney General, Greg Abbott = Big Hypocrite.

A Perfectly Cromulent Beer Bust

Pete the Cromulent One is hosting his third annual Beerfest this Saturday night at Rudyard's (all details at the link). If you haven't attended one of these in the past, well, it's a decidedly snark-riddled affair -- sorta like Pete's blog -- and not so much political. Also a younger crowd than we usually run with. We now know to wheel in with oxygen tanks in tow so we can keep up with the fast-talkers.

Those of you around Houston are powerfully encouraged to attend. You will get to meet the Diddies at the very least, and that could turn out to be the high point of your weekend.

If your life is truly pathetic, that is.

Which one said it?

"You did it. You know you did it. You're a big fat bald-ass liar saying you didn't. And I know you did it, too, and I'm going to tell everybody.

"But of course neither one of us will ever go to jail. Hell, we won't even lose our jobs over it. Schweet, huh?"

Second Enron figure dead

Even as Houstonians prepare for today's memorial service for Ken Lay, British media reports the death of another man implicated in the scandal that won't leave the headlines (emphasis mine):

The body of a man believed to be linked to a US probe into a financial scandal involving NatWest has been found close to his home.

Neil Coulbeck had gone missing from his home in Woodford Green, east London, on Thursday.

Sky News crime correspondent Martin Brunt said: "The man had been interviewed by the FBI. We don't know how important to the investigtion he was but FBI sources suggest he was a pivotal character in the case."

Mr Coulbeck's body was discovered in Waltham Forest, east London. He was Head of Group Treasury at the Royal Bank of Scotland and is thought to have been a possible witness in the NatWest Three case.

The discovery comes as MPs debate the controversial decision to extradite three British bankers - dubbed the NatWest Three - to the US to face charges over the scandal.

The men, who previously worked for NatWest, are accused of taking part in a multi-million pound fraud connected to the collapse of Enron.

All three - David Bermingham, Gary Mulgrew and Giles Darby - have denied any wrongdoing. They could spend up to two years in a high-security US prison awaiting trial unless they are granted bail.

The move to send them to Houston, Texas, is at the centre of a row over Britain's extradition agreement with the United States.

I'm sure it's just a coincidence. Perhaps Coulbeck was embarrassed over the shame brought to him by his fiduciary misdeeds and took his own life, as did J. Clifford Baxter and Charles Rice of the El Paso Corporation and James Watkins of Arthur Andersen.

There are, of course, many corporate executives who bear the tremendous weight of their crimes on their conscience.

When they get caught.

Two new planets in the Texblogosphere

Previously reported by many others, Paul Burka of Texas Monthly has come over to the Dark Side (an inside joke, referring to this column by Burka about the badness of blogs).

But my new favorite is probably going to be HouStoned, the maiden voyage to Bloglandia by the eminent snarkers at the Houston Press.

Mark Warner will help change the map in Texas, too

Dembones writes the summary so I don't have to:

Former Virginia governor Mark Warner formed the Forward Together PAC as a likely first step to mounting a Presidential campaign in 2008. While that race remains well over the horizon, Warner has already earned praise for aggressively helping Democrats across the country with this year’s campaigns.

According to The Hill, Forward Together has “raked in $8.2 million and contributed $860,500 to 108 candidates and political committees“. On March 28, Forward Together PAC wrote $5,000 checks for Chet Edwards (CD-17) and Nick Lampson (CD-22).

Over the past month, Forward Together also hosted a three-stage interactive poll on the Internet. Advertisements for the “Map Changers” contest have appeared on this blog and we have featured multiple articles. Fifty candidates were presented in round one. Five from Texas made it into the field of twenty who progressed to round two, more than any other state. That list included Mary Beth Harrell (CD-31), Barbara Ann Radnofsky (US Senate), Ted Ankrum (CD-10), Chris Bell (Governor) and John Courage (CD-21).

Courage and Bell made it into the list of 10 finalists and earned $5,000 each from Forward Together. In round three, visitors to the MapChangers site selected the winner. At stake was a fundraising visit with Mark Warner that would attract publicity and campaign contributions. The field included two Texans, the only state with more than one finalist. Fearing that a split of the Texas vote would cost the state the grand prize, Bell and Courage coordinated their campaigns. The word went out. Bell encouraged the Texroots to support John Courage in the MapChanger finals.

The strategy was effective. As the final days of voting passed, two finalists rose to the top of the standings. Bill Winter (Colorado CD-06) and Courage exchanged leads, leaving the rest of the field behind.

On the final weekend of the contest, Winter and Courage appealed directly to Warner. They requested that Warner visit both states, regardless of the MapChangers outcome. Voting continued with no official response from Warner. The netroots in Colorado and in Texas kicked into overdrive. Nationwide, more than 9,000 visited the site to register and vote.

Today, Forward Together released the results. Bill Winter was victorious. Congratulations to Winter and the entire Colorado netroots organization! It was a spirited campaign that promoted online activism and people-powered politics.

Buried in the seventeenth paragraph of the previously cited Hill article is the first authoritative response to last weekend’s appeal from Winter and Courage:

Warner will host fundraisers for the top two finalists, Bill Winter (Colo.) and John Courage (Texas).

A collective “YEEEEEE-HAW!” emerged from across the Texroots. Congratulations to everyone who voted. You did it. Thank you.

The Texas Progressive Alliance (of which Brains and Eggs is a member) led this blogswarm, and kudos to every one of us who made it a success.

Web surf's up

A few things I found clicking around that will engage your attention:

**E.O.W.C. has details on the Trans-Texas Corridor --that would be the Toll Road on 'Roids -- public hearings scheduled across the state. McBlogger will file a full report, but his preliminary flash indicates that last night's meeting in Ennis drew 350 people, and there were 700 in Gainesville. Hank Gilbert was given a standing O for his remarks by the roughly 80% Republican audience in Ennis.

**Vince at Capitol Annex has been doing the yeoman's work again, this time giving us the story on Ralph Hall's attempts to deregulate the processing of chickenshit. He's also gathered up some posts on Dr. No -- that would be Libertarian-in-Republican-clothing Ron Paul -- and the polluted water in East Texas that the Texas Railroad Commission first neglected and then obfuscated. And his best work -- including the masthead photo of LBJ and MLK -- is your action alert on the Republicans who are trying to kill the Voting Rights Act.

** Both Muse and John Coby have posted photos of the shuttle Discovery's belly tiles.

** The billboards alerting Big Oil that David Van Os is going after them are now going up; the first one can already be seen in Dallas, at the intersection of Harry Hines and Market Center Boulevards. Three more in East Texas will be visible soon. They are generating significant reaction in the blogosphere already. (Disclosure: I serve the campaign as a volunteer statewide coordinator.)

** the Texas Progressive Alliance -- a confederation of blogs throughout the state which post from the same political perspective as this one -- has an aggregator. I also use the Texas BlogWire, which appears in the column on the right, as my personal RSS feed for what's going on in Deep-In-The-Hearta.

** and Lyn recaps the week that was, most of which you already know if you've been reading along here.

Chris Bell and the blogosphere

The Houston part of the galaxy, at least. Since I have struggled with online accessibility and work-related projects since yesterday, I'm too far behind to do much more than point you to Kuffner, Muse, and Stace.

Prog Tex live-blogged it, and in attendance also were Lyn, Matt H., Rob, and Lara Cottingham from the campaign along with Sally and Karen from Nick Lampson's campaign.

Some snips -- not directly quoted but as close as I could -- follow. (If there are errors in the transcription, in either numbers or the interpretation, they are mine.) Regarding Kinky and Gra- err, Carole:

"Kinky's negatives by all measures are extraordinarily high; on the order of 70% or so. Somebody is going to break out of that second-place pack (in the polling) and it's either going to be me or her."

Fundraising "has gotten a lot easier" lately. About $1.2 million will be reported in the quarter just ended, and about $2 million overall.

On immigration: "Why do their issues have to be our issues? (Talking about) building a wall is simply absurd."

How do we address/counter the undercurrent of defeatism among Democrats, liberals and other of our would-be support group? "Win. Winning salves many wounds. A 'Democrats-can't-win' attitude is simply the latest negative reaction for us to overcome. I have overcome the fundraising concerns, I am overcoming the no-name-recognition issue, and I will overcome this."

Bell is confident, assured, has a great sense of humor, is traveling extensively throughout the state and working hard without appearing to be frantic or even tired. He really seems to have the blog-relations thing down pat, also.

Update (7/11): Eye on Williamson County fleshes out the points on immigration, name-recognition, and "Kinky-gets-votes-from -Republicans".

"Kinky", but not "Grandma"

Hotline has it:

Kinky Friedman gets to keep the raunchy nickname of his on the Texas gubernatorial ballot.

A judge ruled that his name will appear as: Richard "Kinky" Friedman.

The other independent, Carole Keeton Strayhorn, will appear as "Carole Keeton Strayhorn." She had wanted "Grandma."

Per Harvey Kronberg: "Secretary of State Roger Williams today notified independent candidates, Richard "Kinky" Friedman and Carole Keeton Strayhorn, on his final determination of how their names will appear on the November ballot. Secretary Williams ruled that both candidates' names will appear in accordance with the election code as it pertains to the form of name on the ballot".

"Your letter does not articulate any facts that would counter my interpretation that the use of 'Grandma,' in the context of Carole Keeton Strayhorn's name appearing on the ballot, is a slogan and as such is prohibited by the Texas Election Code," Williams stated in a letter to Ms. Strayhorn's attorney Roy Minton. "In compliance with Section 52.031 of the Texas Election Code, Carole Keeton Strayhorn's name will be certified for the November 2006 General Election Ballot as Carole Keeton Strayhorn."

Alas, "slogans" mean slogans, Grandmaw.

"PDiddie and the Rev"

From the Year of the Yellow Dog last night:



(Tip o' the cap to Sandra Puente for the sitcom suggestion/ headline.)

Rev. Jackson is in town to call attention to the obnoxious behavior of a certain BP refinery in Texas City, which blows up frequently and poisons the adjoining neighborhoods and produces a significant quantity of the nation's $3.00 a gallon gasoline that working people can barely afford to buy in order to go to work.

My man David, whose billboards warning Big Oil start going up this week, has also addressed the subjects of gasoline prices and refinery pollution in Texas cities. Quite a bit of common ground exists between these two men's concerns, which the next Attorney General of Texas is uniquely qualified to address.

Fort Bend County is no longer the beast's belly

Not when several dozen show up to socialize and counter-protest the "Tribute to Tom DeLay" across town ('town' in this case being the glorious incorporated suburban mecca of Sugar Land).



The next Congressman from CD-22. I understand he may have an opponent.



Mrs. Diddie and DVO. Her shirt reads: "Democrats are sexy. Whoever heard of a great piece of elephant?"



Besides visiting with some of my more esteemed blog brethren and sisteren (Kuff and progeny, Juanita, Lyn, the Muse, and even EOWC) several local candidates came out also: Sherrie Matula, whom I just wrote about yesterday, my man David of course, FB judicial stalwart Albert Hollan, FB treasurer Neeta Sane, district clerk Veronica Torres, and JP Farhan Shamsi.

That was last night; we get to do this again tonight in Houston with about 400 activists and maybe a hundred Democratic candidates from around the city, county, and state at The Year of the Yellow Dog celebration.

Don't tell the red asses, and by all means do not alert the corporate media, but we're on a roll.