"No one's taking away all the guns. But now I get it... now I see what's happening. So this is what it is: their paranoid fear of a 'possible' dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of Imaginary Hitler."
-- Jon Stewart
"Chuck Hagel is the new Secretary of Defense nominee. They're saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nutjob is this guy?"
"Folks, once Jack Lew becomes Secretary of the Treasury, this pubic hair masquerading as an autograph will appear on all our money, making our currency a laughingstock! Our money should have nothing ridiculous on it… just old men in wigs and pyramids with eyes."
-- Stephen Colbert
"Chris Christie lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, 'Hey, we don't do anything for anybody.'"
-- Jay Leno