Saturday, May 24, 2008

Clinton to Remain in Race Until Obama is Assassinated

"I Can Still Win, If Somebody Were to Pop A Cap In His Ass"

"It's June, After All"

"Thank you for welcoming me here tonight."

I know that we are all proud of Barack Obama, who has risen from humble beginnings to such heights -- great heights, perilous heights. As you may know, 30% of serious accidents occur from a height of 10 feet or above.

And so we now set out together on our journey -- a journey of hope, a journey of change, and yes, a journey of great demands. For the presidency places great demands on all of us -- err, those who hold the office -- we have seen how quickly it can age people, as in the poignant photographs of Franklin D. Roosevelt, who was succeeded by Harry S. Truman while still in office.

In this journey, we have put forward our shared goals -- of expanded health coverage, against the unexpected and often fatal illnesses that can rob even those citizens that seem the healthiest of their ability to work, even of their lives. Of protection against unexpected attack on our country, often aimed at those who are placed in the most critical positions to lead this nation. Of conservation of our precious energy resources, without which, even the most powerful of us can wind up stranded in a desert motorcade, without food, water, or wireless reception to contact others for help. Of greater support for culture and the arts -- beginning with increased support for our very own Ford's Theatre here in Washington, DC.

Many of you will hear Barack speak later today, from a platform in Norman, Oklahoma -- a humble platform, a rickety platform, a platform susceptible to Norman's notoriously strong and unexpected winds. There -- God willing -- he will tell you of what we hope to accomplish. He will speak of the unity that he and I wish to achieve for this nation, just as Andrew Johnson and Lincoln strove for such national unity. And he will tell you of our wish for change.

Change. An important word. None of us can know the changes that will occur in our lives. None of us can predict what momentous events, what disasters may befall us. A simple damaged left engine turbine stabilizer in a campaign plane. A frayed electrical line dangling, unseen, from a remote access satellite hookup van. A safe, falling unexpectedly to the sidewalk from the 8th floor of the Hotel Aldion in Norman, Oklahoma.

And so we must dedicate ourselves, we must consecrate ourselves, to reach these most important national objectives today -- while we still can. And like Kennedy, Garfield, McKinley, and other Presidents before him, we know that Barack Obama will strive to achieve these goals -- in the face of the awesome unknowns that lie before us all.

Thank you."

Update (I thought I could do 'dark humour' better, so I did):

Hillary Clinton promised voters in South Dakota today that she would stay in the contest for the Democratic nomination "until this battle reaches its final solution." She further reassured her supporters, who have braved continuous rumors of the demise of her campaign, that she will continue "no matter what the polls say, no matter what the media says about me, no matter what. Whatever it takes, I'm in it to win it."

"I've been ready from Day One of this struggle to lead this nation, even the non-white working class Americans who have supported my opponent. I'm not going to let them, or anyone else, push me out now!" Clinton said to her cheering crowd of about forty Caucasian women over the age of fifty. "And because it's so important that every single state in this great nation gets an opportunity to vote for me, if this contest goes into the month of June with no obvious winner then I will declare myself the victor!"

"And if America has voted and I'm not the winner, I believe it's just as important that the Democratic Party has a 1-A choice for President, because the month of June in years ending with an 8 are usually bad for the front-runner. Unusually bad, in historic fact."

"So pay no heed to the naysayers, the pundits, the polls, the pledged delegates, the caucus states, the primary states, the popular vote, or even your head, heart or conscience. I am going to be the nominee. And nothing and nobody is going to stop me."

No comments: